Questions for Men about Man-Making

Question 10. Why Men Don't Mentor Boys

The Man-Making book is, at its heart, a call to men to get more involved, in some way, in the lives of the boys around them. To give boys a chance to the many gifts that can result from positive interaction with an older, non-parental male.

For this question, I ask you to look deep in your heart. Ask yourself, "Are you actively involved, in some way, large or small, in the life of a boy?"

If you are, I thank you. I'll ask more about how you're involved in question 11.

If you are not involved, help me to understand why not. I don't mean to shame or embarrass anyone; we just need to understand the reasons, barriers, fears, issues, concerns, constraints, rationalizations… that get in the way, if we're going to improve the situation.

Please, if you are NOT actively involved in the life of a boy, help me to understand why not. What's in the way?

(Return to all the Questions for Men)

Gino - 17: I think men don’t help boys because they're too afraid of being labeled a pedophile or gay even, so they distance themselves. So us young guys are left out in the cold. The other reason is that some older guy's think they are reaching out but really the boy doesn't feel reached out to because the person has communicated with body language or other forms of nonverbal communication that they aren't really interested in reaching the boy's heart. All in all, it's just cause they're scared. Hopefully men will start being real men and taking charge of teaching us how to be men and start modeling manhood for us.

RON - 36: Interesting question. I am involved with boys in my community, but feel I should be doing more. I talk to children daily and try to encourage them to do good things. I am looking to start a mentoring program through my church with the help of other men in the church.

I guess the main reason men don't is because they feel they will let the boys down or fall short.

SCOTT - 39: WHY MEN DON'T:

• Too busy with work.

• Would rather go and play or do activities with the guys.

• Don't see their role as helping to raise children.

• Their fathers never spent time with them.

Phil-59:  In my younger years I was too self absorbed to care much about anyone outside of my immediate family, I had a wife and 2 boys.  If it had been easy I might have considered it.

I think immaturity also plays a role here, meaning immature adults don't have time to put energy into others because all of their energy goes into themselves. I think the generation of baby boomers is for the most part an immature generation.  And I don't see much hope for the generations that are following, it is like a significant event has to happen, like WW2, for everyone to suddenly grow up.  The lessons learned from the past are not carried forward into the future generations. 

It was harder for me at a younger age to see the big picture, that we are all connected.  And that by supporting someone outside my family I am contributing to making the bigger picture better.  Service to others has been a learning experience for me, not a natural trait.

Fear is another factor, fear of failure or doing it wrong, not feeling confident enough to just take a risk.

A good spiritual connection would go a long ways in getting past the above excuses.

ALAN - 62: these days, I spend a fair amount of time on the internet, in the gay chat sites.  Sometimes I manage to chat with younger guys (late teens, to mid-20s) and enjoy trying to draw them out with conversation which is a bit more serious, positive and hopeful about their self-esteem as budding men.  A few have responded positively.

Why am I dragging my feet, and not allowing myself to get more involved with young men?  Well, yes, I do find it sexually stimulating to dream of an affair with such guys.  Mainly though, I think I have enough self-discipline to prevent that happening. And it does a lot for my self-esteem to feel a bit of the father function. But I expect others in society to object to my being involved, if they know my disposition.  And I am afraid of losing the argument, and the embarrassing scene if there was a confrontation.

STEVE - 45: I think that there are various factors involved. Probably the greatest is the reality of falling short of expectations, of failing the child in some way. While I have solid memories of the "good times" I had with my father, I also carry with me many memories of times he wasn't able to be there for me or let me down in some way. I know the hurt and pain it can cause, and I'm often unwilling to place that burden on myself as well as the boy.

As a divorced father, I also know how difficult it can be to be there for your son, especially when there is distance involved. The disappointment is shared by both, and it is one that does not easily diminish with time. There is no way to make up for those times -- and that is, perhaps, the toughest part of all.

Being apart also creates another difficult reality to face, and that is the loss of influence, especially as the boy grows older. Personally, I tried as hard as I could to remain a strong influence on my son. But my phone calls and twice-monthly weekends were not nearly enough to compensate for his mother's poor influence, as well as his stepfather and that of his peer group. I was failing him, and I was losing him. Even worse, I could see it developing and I felt even more helpless and angry --- and it never does stop hurting.

So...yes...there is hesitation when it comes to getting involved. There is the realization that you can only do so much. Maybe for some, that "little bit" is more than enough. For me, the expectations I place on myself and on the relationship are greater than that.

WALTER - 32: In response to why men don't, is because they don't do what they don't understand. We don't get certain things because we don't get the value of things. In a male dominated society men are allowed to be dysfunctional emotionally and not be frowned upon. Example, Why don't men buy more flowers for their spouses is because they don't understand why women enjoy them. After all they will die in a few days anyway. Meanwhile we don't get why our wives don't understand the importance of hanging with the fellows or being glued to the TV to watch NFL football. Hey guys don't think just getting the flowers it will make football Sunday's a lot more easier!

PHILLIP - 53: I believe that many men don't "adopt" boy(s) in their lives because if there's no family kid, then there's no-one else around whom they know. The real point here is that organizations like Aunties & Uncles are crying out for foster family connections. I just happened to find them by chance 18 years ago and still have a wonderful relationship with a young man who is now 26. If agencies like that are not publicized and the need made public, the caring men out there will never know of their chance to make a difference. People don't even know of the existence of these agencies.

HARVEY - 44: One thing here in Australia which is affecting careers like teaching and organizations like boy scouts etc is the issue of sexuality. I guess it's worse in the USA but here if you want to completely destroy a man's career just mention the words.... "questionable sexuality" and working with children. People are allowed to make any sort of insinuation or claim against a male and instantly he is tried found guilty and sentenced without any checking being done. In the end 99% of claims are withdrawn because the girl or boy made it up to get back at someone else (usually) but it's too late for the man's job, family, reputation, and career. There is not a thing he can do. So... men don't become teachers and scout groups are falling over everywhere to find men or being run by women.

Men don't mentor as they "should" because of perceived imposed social stereotypes. That's a longwinded way of saying they are too scared of being called a poof or a child molester.

There's something acceptable about mentoring young men in the workforce or in the workplace but schoolboys are a bit of a taboo. If they don't have a positive role model in their home then they turn to their peers...often very poor models.

STEVEN - 49: My first answer sounds like a cop-out even before I see it written.

I taught in an elementary school setting for 10 years, second, third, fourth and what was called 'high potential' back then. I was given the boys who 'needed a male image', as decided by the principal and/or the parent(s), usually a single mom.

I relished the energy, fun and challenge of boys who were a little on the wild or 'hard to handle' side. Usually I was able to make it obvious that I cared about them and they tried extra hard to learn and be accepted (without, I hope, a loss of the energy they possessed).

I left teaching disgusted with the system and the attitudes of many parents. There was a caution then that any undo attention by a (then) single male toward boys was looked at with raised eyebrows. This all was fueled no doubt by fears that were bubbling throughout our society. I truly loved working with young people, yet, I have yet to shake the concern I have that my attentions would be viewed with suspicion. So, this holds me back even though I know that I could get past this hurdle. I have wonderful memories of working with boys and seeing them develop and 'take on' their uniqueness with gusto. Yet I have yet to shake that feeling that my working with boys would be viewed with raised eyebrows.

More realistic reasons yet not so dramatic include an unpredictable travel schedule and attention to other things. I also hesitate to become involved and then unable to be consistently 'there' for someone.

Another reason is that my guidance philosophy is a bit different than most parents I think, given the parent caretaking role. I believe in not guiding by pushing but by pulling. I believe it is most important to help young men find a process within to make their own healthy, positive choices and reflect regularly on what they experience, their choices, their feelings, and their impact on others. This often doesn't fit neatly (or at all) into what they experience in their family.

I guess as important as any of these reasons is that it is just not on my radar screen. It may be someday, but not just now.

TIM - 43: My wife and I are hosting an exchange student for this school year, so, along with the time we invest in him and other neighborhood children, we are certainly involved in the lives of boys. I had, however, previously considered involvement in a Big Brother program and had 3 concerns: time, my ability to have a positive impact and personal risk.

I was concerned that I didn't have enough time--but as the old adage goes, we all have 24 hours a day, don't we. Perhaps, then, my lack of involvement at the time came down to values. Perhaps I simply didn't care enough to want to get involved. How do you care enough? I believe you need to learn about another's circumstances. Distance creates apathy.

A second concern was in my ability to have a positive impact via a good match of interests. My wife and I mentored a single-parent who seemed to expected subsidies from the government that allowed her to live a better lifestyle than we had when we were young--not a good match for us, and as a result, I believe we had a limited impact on their lives.

Finally, I had heard of a "Little Brother" accusing a "Big Brother" of sexual advances. I had no idea if this occurred--but it got me to thinking of how vulnerable completely innocent volunteers are in these circumstances, and I didn't want to expose my family and reputation to a possible unfounded accusation.

DAVID - 48: Usually, I involve myself with boys/young men at every opportunity, a little like a magnet to iron. I was for several months last year very closely involved with a woman and her two young sons (aged 3 and 5). My involvement at this time is not very active because of my transitional situation. I've managed only to maintain birthday contact.

The older boy definitely wanted a man in the house. The first night I went for dinner (friends only at that point) Douglas asked "Will you stay tonight and tomorrow night...?" I did eventually stay a night and more, thus having my first real experience of parenting. Vanessa was even able to take up an offer of a free trip to some islands off northern Tasmania for a week and I couldn't help feeling some resentment when she returned and naturally occupied the boys' attention for some time!

I was attracted to that fatherless family like a bee to nectar and loved caring for the boys and loved Vanessa. But I did find the situation highly stressful - like moving into another culture. There was a nagging feeling that I was in the "wrong place"..... Well, it's a hard one, getting involved with a single mum; when you have to part ways you have to part with the children as well.

So that's why I'm not very actively involved with a boy at the moment. Also I'm 2000 miles away and not settled either. I want commence next semester to re-train in youth work.

Connecting with boys is connecting with ourSelves. I yearn for it.

TOM - 48: Interesting question - It's a different question if you're thinking about "your son" rather than "other boys." But one quick thought -- it is so much harder for my son to see and understand what I do than it was for my father and me. My dad came home dirty, carried tools that had visible functions and created physical objects. As a consultant, I carry papers, a generic black box (laptop) and create vaporous concepts. I saw my father make changes in buildings but my son can't "see" changes I make in reports and recommendations. Who I am is less visible because my son cannot see how my actions reflect who I am -- at least it's much more difficult.

So -- now being involved with a boy requires more than "showing up dirty after work" for many of us. We now must learn to describe who are in a different way since observation is more difficult. We have to work harder to define the tangible part of ourselves that the boy can notice… the part that us that is always there and inviting of questions. It requires a different concept of "leading by example" than for my dad.

STEPHEN - 49: I am involved with my 12-year-old son. I work too far from home to be there every night. I worry greatly about my son's development. He is very talented at sport and is also very intelligent. He has very deep understanding and awareness of what goes on around him.

My father was very selfish and focused more on his own and society's needs than the needs of his 8 children. To the day he died I do not think he understood this. I got used to not relying on either of my parents and see my son making a similar decision. I am reliable for my children and will go a long way out of my way to ensure my reliability.

I love my son. The circumstances I find myself in are not ideal and I know that my son is suffering as a result, as am I. I know that if I returned to work near my home that I would be very unhappy and I believe that the message I would give my son by doing so, may damage him more than my absence for 3 nights per week.

I am aware of my son and our needs as father and son. All my decisions are made with that in mind. I find this very challenging. It is in fact my greatest challenge. I hope I do the best at this because everything else is less important.

The conflicting responsibilities and issues involved are:

1.   My relationship as father to his mother.

2.   My relationship to the same woman as her husband.

3.   Our relationship as lovers.

4.   My relationship to our two daughters both as father and mentor.

5.   My desire to earn an income that will give them all a good education.

6.   My interest in human nature and the current disastrous consequences of neglecting the human effects of business globalization.

7.   My desire to lead a spiritual life and remain healthy as I age.

8.   My wish to make a difference in this life.

9.   Many other desires too numerous to mention.

I just do the best I can and trust in the efficacy of living a decent honest life to hold my family safe.

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