Questions for Men about Man-Making

Question 11. Why Men Mentor Boys

In this question I'd like to hear from men who, in some small or large way, have heard the Man-Making call and are engaging/influencing a boy or boys (other than their own) in their neighborhood or community. This question is not about "fathering," but Uncling, Eldering, mentoring, interacting, or just noticing boys.

• It could be just casual interaction of short duration, like when you meet your neighbor's son on his way to school, saying something to the young guy selling tickets at the movie theater, or encountering boys you don't even know in the shopping mall.
• It might be that you have had extended time spent with a boy or boys in some way, like building a computer, a camping or fishing trip, as a coach or any activity that is more than a brief encounter.
• A third possible connection might be via formal mentoring programs such as scouting, Big Brother, or other programs designed to put boys in contact with adult men.
• Finally, I know that some of you are getting together with other men for the purpose of actually initiating boys into manhood.

Whatever your level of involvement with a boy, please send along a few lines to tell me about it and describe the impact of that experience on you and your life.

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WALTER - 32: This summer I started doing basketball camps for Urban Ventures a Christian organization heavily involved in the Twin Cities Phillips neighborhood. At the camp there was a boy named Greg (age 10) who threw temper tantrums every time he didn't get a foul call or something didn't go his way. By the end of the week Greg's outbreaks were disturbing but it had become a part of the camp's personality. "There goes Greg again, going off on one of his emotional rides." I would run over to Greg and console him every time it happened. In fact on one day Greg asked me to hold his money as a act of trust. It was subtle but I felt Greg was reaching out and appreciating me giving him attention.

The last day Greg's team was in the Championship game cruising along ahead by 12 points. Virgil a member of the other team began a shooting barrage of 3 pointers and brought his team from behind to tie the score. "Virgil, Virgil, Virgil". You could hear the crowd roar in amazement of Virgil's shooting heroics.

That's when time stood still, With a tie score and 5 seconds to go Greg got the rebound and started the other way to win the game for his team. All I could think was "DEAR GOD, I HOPE NOBODY FOULS OR EVEN TOUCHES GREG." But, you guessed it, there was Virgil that all but mugged Greg and stole the ball away and there was no foul called. While the crowd was anticipating Virgil's last second shot for the win, I had to fight through the crowd to find Greg who had bolted out the gym and was flat out hysterical.

Screaming and yelling, with tears in my eyes I thought, Greg who hurt you? Dear God in heaven, who hurt him like this? While I hugged him until he stopped crying. Greg looked me in the eyes as a child who needed to know that it would be OK. Not the game's outcome but his life. Greg just needed to know that someone cared and that there was someone he could trust.

I hope that Greg remembers that day for the rest of his life because as you can see I do.

Everyone needs to know that someone is there and we all can't count on our parents.

Cris - 53: I engage young men in basically three categories.

• Unconscious, unaware

• Conscious informal

• Conscious formal

Unconscious, unaware:    I chose unconscious because my response to boys is something that comes from somewhere deep inside me and I am not aware of even its origin. I am not fully aware of my impact and influence on young men. I just know that I do things that have a positive effect on young men. As a teacher, presenter, and community organizer, I am aware that they are always watching, observing, thinking, wanting and longing. Longing for a strong man to push against and set boundaries for them.

With that knowledge and understanding I move with purpose and intent. I keep these words in my heart and mind, "As a man among men I heal and protect." I cannot know what influence I have but I can keep the thought that I can and am in a mentor or role model for every young man that enters or slides past my boundaries. I know from my own life that one word or deed can have an incredible impact on a young mans life. Be aware, the boys are watching.

Conscious informal:    I am very aware that my words and behaviors need to be clean and direct. Even in informal situations like my own home or in my yard or from my car, in the bank, in my sons school I have a role and a duty to hold the line, to set boundaries. To listen and love these young men. Not to just observe them, but to tell them what they are doing, right or wrong. I try to keep an old axiom in mind. "Never ask for a stop behavior without a start behavior in mind." Coupled that with "show up (physically, mentally and spiritually), speak with integrity and release my intent (grasp) on the outcome."

Conscious formal:    I teach a lot of classes for young boys and men. I am very deliberate and practiced in my speech and behavior with them. It always starts out the same way. "Tell me about yourself, what do you want to learn and what do you already know." Then on to the promise "My prime directive is safety. I will do everything I can to keep you safe." With that agreed upon we can move on to anything we want to do. In my woodworking class I have four rules. Rule 1: Safety, Safety, Safety. Rule 2: If you do not understand ask. Rule 3: I am not your parent, clean up after yourself. Rule 4: Have fun. After those Rules are understood, I can do most anything.

TRENT - 19: It is important for a boy to have interactions with older men, and younger men alike. I was a member of the Land of Lakes Choirboys of Minnesota where I had numerous male role models were always there for me.

After graduating from the choir, I did what I could to help the choir, including being a counselor for the annual music camp held in Northern Minnesota. There I taught important life skills that would help when taking the next step away from boyhood while growing into a respectable male in this uncertain era.

Also, through 4-H I taught leadership, and how to react to what life may give you. I helped teach lessons about interaction, versatility, cooperation, observance and trusting your intuition, all vital to the development of a young man.

The world is changing. It has been slowly declining in the moral aspect for quite some time. The development of a boy being aided by a moral man is a lost concept and something that needs to be reinstated to ensure a bright future of our nation, and our world.

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