Questions for Men about Man-Making

Question 14. Rites of Passage for Boys

Ritual, ceremony, and people gathering around a boy to mark his natural life transitions can be enormously helpful. These events help a boy know he's on the right track, making progress and is approved of by his family and/or his community. The absence of these events contributes to a boy feeling lost, alone, and unsure about his direction in life.

The question is what did you experience? What Rite-of-Passage experiences, formal or informal, positive or negative, do you remember on your journey to manhood?

Create a Rite-of-Passage Ceremony: You can click here to download a PDF article about how I helped create a Rite-of-Passage ceremony for a young man going off to college. By modifying my approach, you might create a similar experience for a boy or young man in your life.

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Carl – 64: I remember no specific rite of passage. The only thing that could qualify was the road from high school to college to law school to marriage. When I was married, I felt that I'd become a man --- by default.

I never expected any rituals or rites of passage, or even had any idea what such a thing would be like. I suspect I would have been terrified had someone offered to initiate me into manhood. I would have assumed that it would be all about the standard macho tests (e.g. fraternity hazing kinds of stuff). As a kid, I had no interest in the standard boy stuff and no skills in any of it. I was an intellectual, musical, creative, kid who did all kinds of things that did not carry the label "masculine" back then. If I had had to go through one of those macho rituals, I can't imagine what it would have done to my self-confidence and self-image. Picking teams in gym class was quite bad enough. Today I'm acutely sensitive to how boys who are nerds, brains, artists, dancers, etc are treated in the schools --- mostly abominably. If they're not ignored, they're usually labeled sissies and fags. This also has the effect of denying all boys the opportunities to get to know and respect brains and the arts for themselves.

Most of my life I have felt that I’ve had to take charge of my life or nothing satisfying would happen. So getting anointed into manhood was just something I had to do on my own. In hind sight, I've been very emotional about it - everything from anger, to disgust, to fuck you. The emotion comes primarily from the fact that, had I had a mentor who recognized and fostered my creativity, I would have had a career in some creative field rather than the legal and finance path I took. My parents didn't squelch my creativity directly; they just put it in the "it's a nice social grace" category. That was probably worse than stomping on it. If they'd really opposed it, I might have had the angry strength to find a mentor and move in that direction in spite of them. As it was, I just accepted things as they were and waited for them to do the right thing . . . which they never did.

Two of the men who might have helped me were right there in my family. My father and grandfather were architects and, presumably, attuned to the creative aspects of that profession. But they did almost nothing to influence my professional direction. They worked in the same architectural firm, a large one with plenty of "artsy" men to put me in touch with, but they didn't.

Fortunately, I grew up in a school system with a big music program and I played an instrument for six years, which tapped into one of my creative loves. Although the music teachers were certainly supportive and encouraging, I had no special relationship with any of them.

It took my second wife (when I was 43) to bring out my creativity. When I was 50 she and I quit our jobs in Boston and moved to rural VT to be artist and craftswoman. Since then, I've built my creativity as a visual artist and writer. But no where along the way did I get any help figuring out what being a man was about.

Phil – 55: I grew up in Texas and my cousins used to live on a cattle ranch. When the ranch needed fresh beef for feeding the cowhands they would kill a steer. The first thing their father would do, after the steer was killed, was slit the steers throat and fill up a tin cup of fresh warm blood still pumping from the dead animal. He then drank the cup full of blood. Their father always offered to share some steer blood with those present. No one ever wanted to participate. I this this was a ritual trial and testing, to see if the boys and youngmen were ready to step across the line toward (his version of) manhood.

Steve – 55: You have asked for other's right of passage experiences and I have been racking my brain to remember if I had any rituals in my life that fit. My early ritual experiences were mostly church related, which at the time if found suspect in that I felt manipulated into the center of someone else's power trip. Then there were the pheasant and quail hunting trips, but those were more like work than fun when my dad was alive and "running" the show.

After dad died, I was eighteen at the time, both my brothers were out of the house leaving me with my mom, younger sister, and maternal grandmother...there was no ritual when I had the mantel of manhood placed upon my shoulders. I did not join the military, could not afford to be in a fraternity, shied away from churches until I was in my early twenties, hmmm...I guess I never graduated from adolescence to manhood...I just got pushed off a cliff.

In fact, by the time my father died, all the important men in my life were dead also. Nobody said anything I construed as encouragement, only words of requirements I found almost impossible to meet. My few meager accomplishments were never honored, nor my strengths or talents recognized. And certainly no circle of men ever pledged their support. I wonder if in 1967 any men other than those in tribal societies practiced such rituals. I certainly was not in any tribe.

Phil - 59: There were no family rituals when I was growing up, other than Christmas, birthdays, Sunday morning church, and both parents working 12 hour days at seperate careers. Dad from 6 AM to 6 PM, Mother from 9 AM to 9 PM. The idea of a Rite of Passage was new to me until about 15 years ago.

Not having much to choose from, I would say getting drunk after high school graduation, my first car, my first hot rod, drag racing, my first sexual intercourse experience with my first girlfriend.

Mark – 46: I recently participated in a Adolescent Rite of Passage with my son Adam.

Friday night we started with an exorcism and given what is out in the world today, it made sense. Next we blessed our sons in a variety of ways: Fathers sprinkling water on them and on ourselves. Fathers taking oil and making the sign of the cross on their foreheads, lips, eyes, ears, and hands. Taking a dab of salt and putting it on their tongues, and on ours. Tossing a small pinch of spice, sage, and tobacco into the fire.

Lastly, we fathers were invited to bring to the weekend something that represented our son's childhood. We asked our sons to toss this into the fire. I saw pillows, blankets, stuffed animals, toys, books, clothes all tossed in. My son tossed in "Alex" who was a dragon puppet I had bought him 7 or 8 years prior. It was hard for me to see Alex go because he represented a lot of memories of intimate conversations with my son. You see, when I went through a divorce 7 years ago, Adam was deeply affected as any young person would be. It became safe to talk to Adam "through" Alex. To sing songs, tell stories, poetry, and just visit. Somehow the magic of ritual helped me to see that is was of primary importance to put Alex the puppet into the fire, to let go of those memories and to be more open to speaking directly with Adam. I told Adam he no longer needed to talk through anyone, that as a man, he could bring all of his authentic self, shadow and light, broken and healed, etc. to any relationship. His "voice" was not only welcome, but it was needed in the world.

I was drained by this powerful experience, AND I was refreshed and uplifted!

Mark N. - ??: Boy Scouts, I guess, was about the only thing I can think of that remotely resembled a "rite of passage" or journey to manhood. Not that I would necessarily endorse the scouts now, because they have some pretty negative sorts of policies, in my opinion, toward a variety of current social issues.

It's a shame really, because the Boy Scouts offer a lot. You grow up with men as mentors, with other kids, you learn to get along in a group of men, you have some growing experiences, and you gradually move from boy to man as you take on leadership roles in the group. And they are really real big on ceremonies.

My two boys went through Scouts, and they received the Eagle award (as did I), but I made sure that I was always present with them through the process for three reasons:

• To be sure that they were not being pressured into negative views of the world (i.e., that other leaders were not pushing radical conservative or relegious views/etc.).

• To talk with them to provide balance when issues arose that I (we) did not agree with.

• To be a role model of the kind I thought that boys should have.

Other than the scouts - my life was pretty devoid of Rite of Passage experiences.

Wes – 63: We here in Perth; Western Australia, recently conducted a rite of passage for the teenage son of one of the men in our group. Our efforts involved having 6 men, who knew the boy, to be part of taking him on a reasonably long walk through some parkland close to our City. His Dad gave him a list of subjects which he could use as a discussion topics on the walk.

He was delivered by his Dad to a designated place where he was met by a man who had previously chosen one of the named subjects. They walked and talked together in the park, and at a certain point the boy was requested to continue on his own to another spot and look for someone he knew there. Man number 2 met with him and the process and topic discussion was repeated for each of the remaining men. The total distance was six kilometers, and the entire journey took about one and a half hours.

Each man gave the boy a sealed envelope with either a symbol and/or a letter inside, offering our willingness to be available for any future contact. The boy, his father, and all the men met at the final destination. We then collectively blessed the boy over a shared picnic meal.

I'm unsure how the boy received the attention given. Perhaps in the future he may reflect on the significance of the occasion and somehow value the experience. As a 13 year old he has many other diversions in his busy life and this event may have little immediate relevance for him. However, we all agreed that had we each experienced such a ritual in our early life, what a difference that would have made!

Michael - 63: As a young man that had graduated from high school, I was unsure of who or what I was. I had no natural father to mentor me and my step-father was a dry alcoholic uninvolved and aloof. My rite of passage came after I enlisted in the Navy during the boot camp process. This was my first exposure to grown men controlling other recruits such as I. My company commander, a Chief Petty Officer, became my mentor. He was the voice of authority, discpline, and father figure for me.

My rite of passage came on the day of boot camp graduation when I was handed my official orders to report for duty to my first duty station. There was no going back to the rudderless teenage kid who existed not so long ago. I now had to stand on my own, accept responsibility, and show up every day!

Francsis - 41:  I have a nephew that is currently 15 yrs old. Two years ago my sister and his father divorced. His father has basically forgotten his kids. My sister was having a hard time with my nephew. For several years he and I have been at odds, at times he would curse and use hand gestures to show his disrespect for those around him.

He and I came to terms and began to communicate. The key time came when I realized that he did not have any cornerstones in place for being a man. He did not know what a man was or what a man was supposed to do. I had all along thought he had some basic foundation.

Once we both realized this we began to develop a relationship. Over the past year has spent weekends at our house with my wife, son, and daughter. My son who is 7 and daughter who is 4 both see him as a older brother/cousin. He has gone from low grades and a desire to quit school to wanting to become a veterinarian. His mother is amazed at his changes. Oh, I forgot he also has bipolar disorder. One of our key accomplishments was to make him responsible for taking his medications.

This responsibility I have undertaken to shape/teach/lead him to what a man is to be has also made me aware as well the answer to your question on rite of passage for me would be this experience and realizing that I must lead by example and set a tone in my life so that young men who are watching can see my example. I need to be willing to help them put the building blocks of manhood in place and help them grow.

Ronald - 60: The actual rite of passage ceremony took place in our dinning room. My mom was present when my father asked me if I would like to be called by my real name instead of my baby name, since I was almost 5 years old and quite grown up. It was only a fleeting moment when I was told of the change, but I still remember how proud I felt about the status I had achieved. Family and friends honored me by calling me "Ronald" my real name after that.

Anonymous: Now that you mention it, I had a change of name in my 30's.. It was after doing some therapy when I decided to claim my father's lineage and go by the name he gave me... the name of my grandfather. I gave up the nickname my grandmother had given me. She had been a dominating force in our family for years and it felt good to claim my "real" name.  I guess that was when I was starting to take my self seriously as a man. Sadly, as powerful a statement I NOW realize I had made, there was no ritual or any other kind of acknowledgement that a change of some sort had take place. It wasn't till this moment that I realized I was beginning to initiate my self into manhood in that act.

Michael - 62: I wasn't fortunate enough to have a male right of passage to manhood and I was lost, undirected and floundered for some time because of it. There was no father in my life from two to about nine years of age.  When my step father came into my life he was consumed by alcoholism and self loathing so not much guidance there. I also had no grandfather to guide me in my early years consequently, I was ill equipped to accept manhood.

I left my two sons when they were two and four so they too had no father to provide the right of passage, not that I would have been able to do so from my childhood experience!
I have since reunited with my sons and now have grandsons in my life.  I'm just beginning to understand the importance of the family patriarch in the scheme of things.

This last Easter Sunday, I had a long conversation with my two sons after Easter dinner regarding how we men have lost our way, how we are NOT leaders of our families, how I wasn't there to provide guidance and how they lack this essential ingredient to pass on to their sons. We decided that all of that was in the past and that we were by damn going to be fathers and grandfathers to our sons and grandsons. How?  By accepting the responsibility to lead our sons by providing love, discipline, honor and a spiritual foundation to their (and our) lives.

I firmly believe that a child has to have a moral compass in life or he is doomed to suffer greatly because of the lack of it. We as fathers have to believe in something more than material success and having the next new thing to strive for.  We have to have a belief in a higher power, much as the Native Americans believed in a "Creator", a spiritual father. How we do it is up to us, but we need to do it or how can we possibly provide the moral compass for our sons?  

Eric - 36: I am a 36 year-old, married white male, and a psychologist at a university counseling center. My parents divorced when I was 6 years old. My step-father was a working class man, who smoked marijuana daily throughout the 12 years we lived under his roof. I eagerly looked forward to seeing my birth father on his every other weekend visitations. He gave me unconditional love and didn't shame me or my sister if we didn't have B's and A's like my mother expected. 

It was total synchronicity that my Dad and I were invited to the NWTA (The New Warrior Training Adventure) initiation weekend by two different people at around the same time. When Dad and I talked about doing the weekend, my sense was that we both had a lot of fear. As I recall, he chose to go on the condition that I would go.

I was very proud of my father in being able to be vulnerable with other men during the NWTA. I have come to appreciate that beneath his anger was/is a lot of fear, hurt, and shame - much like other men. It was very affirming to hear Dad talk about the struggles of being a man and a father. I learned about how he and his 8 siblings were reared by his father - a functional alcoholic with a strong Catholic. I had no idea how much shame my father carried around the divorce from my mother and the guilt has carried for that. He cried as he talked about the anger he carried as a young man and expressed his hopes that his son (me) and grandsons would not perpetuate that legacy.

I know he's been touched by my disclosures around my tender feelings toward him and the people around me. I proud to say that since that weekend I have worked on releasing some of my anger toward my father and I feel like I'm building up the courage to share more of it with him. 

The biggest thing that has changed between Dad and me is that he calls more often, has taken a greater interest in spending time with my son, and we’re exchanging more "I love you's," something that always felt awkward with all of us. My hope is that what we’ve shared together will continue to bring us closer together emotionally.

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