Questions for Men about Man-Making

Question 15. Your Boyhood "Male Tribe"

It’s been said that boys need a “tribe.” They need to have men around them as mentors and to be watched by the boys for cues on “what men do,” and how to become manly. When there are men around, boys instinctively learn their place in the male hierarchy and how to be a "man."

The question is when you were an adolescent on the edge of manhood, who were the men your male “tribe”?

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Dave K. – 62: I love this question because I still know some of the men from my tribe and hear from them regularly. Two have died and I think of them often. It started with the same guys in grade school, jr high, and high school on athletic teams. They were my tribe, the source of my ritual initiation to manhood, and I loved it. Me, being the skinny little guy who was barely ready, hung out with all these other guys who seemed hairy and strong. The name of the team I played with was "meat squad," since the varsity would play us and make chopped meat out of us. There was blood thirsty yelling, slaps on the back and butt, and lots of "You play good for a little guy."

My smaller tribe was made up of athletes who were smart and talented. Everyone of us had something that we were passionate about. One guy was valedictorian of our class, starting forward on the BB team, and catcher on the baseball team. He became head of the environmental law department at Oregon. Another guy was a trumpet player and starting guard on the varsity football team. Another guy was a math wiz, French horn player, and starting QB for the football team. He later became a basketball coach and math teacher at the school. Another guy was a violinist, artist, and school politician. He was a wrestler and started in college to be a promoter of rock and roll groups. Another guy died driving his car while drunk.

David – 52 - Australia: For me such a tribe didn't exist. There were peers and classmates at school, and 'booze-buddies' on the island where I spent holidays and weekends. Teachers made up most of adult men and were authority figures rather than mentors. The peer group was generally unavailable for deep stuff, and 'intimacy' more often happened with girlfriends, if we had one. A girlfriend would often be resented by your mates because she would effectively 'take you away' from them. I think most of us muddled our way forward without suitable guidance from adults. As teenagers of the 60s we experienced a huge 'generation gap' from our parents and other elders.

Gino - 17: I was less fortunate in this area because my tribe kept changing (it's a lot more consistent now) and my dad wasn't part of it. Now my tribe consists of my youth pastor, my former youth pastor, my mentor Derek, my best friend Lance, and my "group" of guys. I can talk to any of those guys about anything because I feel totally accepted by them. It's really cool to have a group to identify with, I don't know what I’d do without them... wait, yes I do, I’d become depressed and attempt suicide... but I have them and I couldn't be happier about having a group of guys rallied around me specially in my spiritual walk.

James – 33: I feel like my "tribe" consisted of my father and uncles. I think part of the problem was that my father tried to lead by example, but I needed direct parenting. He was a "good" person with a lot of friends, but I suffered from his lack of involvement with me. . . he never taught me how to fight, to stand up for myself, to get along with different types of people, how to conquer my weaknesses, or to roam with the winners. I taught myself all of these things, and all after a substantial loss of time and hard lessons learned. My uncles were also distant and didn’t influence me or my choices. Large family gatherings typically had the kids and the adults in separate rooms doing different things. These gatherings did little to develop my "manhood." Basically, I raised myself after age nine and lived the life of a "lone wolf," making my own decisions. But being an introvert and sucking at sports kept me an outsider. Being bisexual created its own problems -- gay culture is unsatisfying and straight culture is too restrictive. I guess you could say I'm still searching for my "tribe.” I think most men eventually create their own "family tribes" by marrying and having kids.

David – 52 - Australia: I had no significant family male members. I was in the army at 16. I had to rely on my army buddies, all of whom were my age. Fortunately, I was in a crowd who were O.K. The army chaplain was the one most significant man I felt I could truly look up to, but he was not part of my "tribe." I envied relationships of older and younger men, but didn't know how to ask for a closer friendship with anyone. I learned most about tribe by having my own son and learning anew. Now I am a good grandfather, and know the importance of the older man and the younger boy.

Herb – 54: (Who were the men in your tribe?) Not many. Perhaps no one was. I learned, unlike many of my particular tribal peers, that I had to leave my 'tribe' in order to focus on improving my self. Nothing inspired me as much as my final awareness to my sustained failure as a youth. Back in '69 I was able to join the army with my mother's written consent. My journey to manhood was self driven with a handful of ideas and an acceptance of my self required toughness to persevere. Seeking and learning with an open mind toward any ideas which would tend to 'raise me up' I discovered the books of Ayn Rand which I very highly recommend to any youth seeking the intellectual fuel of 'manhood'. The contemporary tribe mentality is the problem and NOT the cure.

Steve - 41: My tribe was my Dad, my best friend's Dad, my uncles, and neighborhood fathers. My Dad played with my sister and I a lot. I felt loved because of those times. It helped that he was a nice moral guy who treated us well and provided for us. However, he was and is a man who has zero self awareness, has given ALL his power away to my Mom, has never had any recovery from his upbringing in an alcoholic family. I learned to model codependency from him. I learned to have no goals or direction, no passion, no leadership, and to look to see what others were doing to decide who I was going to be. We didn't do anything manly--my Mom taught me how to change a tire! I was taught to let others win, lie so you won't hurt their feelings, do nothing manly, don't talk about anything sexual, and of course we didn't do feelings. I learned from my best friend's Dad to joke around about everything and to talk in such a way that all I said were things that were proper and safe with those around me.

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