Questions for Men about Man-Making

Question 16. Blessing A Young Male

At the "easy" end of the continuum of Man-Making actions I describe in the Man-Making book is the notion of "blessing" a young male. Blessing happens when a man catches a young guy doing something especially well or identifies one of his positive attributes, skills, or tendencies. The man then names what he sees and adds a valuing statement. In the process the boy is not only acknowledged but is further elevated by being held in positive esteem in the eyes of an older man.

I call this step Blessing because there is something a little spiritual about telling someone what is unique and wonderful about them. Blessing a young male is a very powerful statement about him, your connection to him, and his place in the order of things. A blessing is an intimate and positive statement about a young man’s value, potential, person, or power . . . and it’s designed to touch the receiver at his core.

The question is, can you remember this kind of experience with an older male (other than your father) who blessed you when you were growing up? Who saw the best in you and told you? Who verbally appreciated your talents and gifts? If you can remember, tell me a little about what happened, what was said, and the impact on you.

(Return to all the Questions for Men)

Dwayne - 25:  I recall one time when I was in the prison system when one of the staff read a short essay I had written. I don't remember what it was about but he complimented me saying my essay was, "analytical and introspective." I took these positive strokes and identified myself, at that moment in time, as a "Good writer.” This encouraged me to write later on in life.

John - 44:  Wade M., aka Grandpa Wade, was my neighbor when my family moved from Texas to Iowa in 1961. My parents bought this old Victorian house next to his house. It did not take long for our family to adopt him as an elder member of our extended family unit. He was older than my dad and around a lot more. He kept track of my comings and goings, my dates, and my cars. He somehow knew more about my life than I did at the time. When ever he saw me in the yard he would come over to say something, always positive.

One time I was working under my car in the driveway. I had been there off and on most of the day. I was beside the car trying to raise it up more when the car slipped of the jack and came crashing down. Before the sound left the air he was right behind me. "Are you alright?" he said, which scared the shit out of me. I didn't want to worry him so I told him I let the car down real fast. He paused and said "Just as long as your alright, I would hate to lose you." I had many interchanges like that over the years.

When I went through my crazy driving stage and had other run ins with the law, he was a good man to know. He was the mayor and chief justice of the peace. I don’t remember how many times I had to appear in his court but it was always a pleasant experience. When I was 18 I had to appear in his court for reckless driving, speeding and evading the police to avoid prosecution. We worked out an agreement that he would wait to process the paper work until I graduated from high school and he would drop all the other charges except the exceeding the speed limit at night and driving in excess of 100 mph. That was an automatic three year suspension. I felt good about the whole thing because I was convinced I was going to jail.

It was an amazing blessing from him and he never mentioned it again. He continued to treat me like the good neighbor he thought I was. My whole history with him was one long series of blessings, but I didn't get it then. Not too long after I appeared in his court for the speeding charges I had the honor of being one of his pall bearers.

Jon H. - 54:  I did go from failing to honor role in a very short time. I was a violent angry young man. There was no one, I mean no one that I would not or did not threaten to kill if they pissed me off. But then I got a series of huge blessings when Guy Anderson, Waid McBeth, and my track couch all came into my life at the same time. Like the Perfect Storm there was enough energy between these three men to calm the storm inside of me. They all saw my potential and were strong enough to tell me that I was "better than that" when I started to escalate. It was a gift that I can only repay today by seeking out and serving men and boys in return. In the work I’m doing now I providing a safe place where men can attempt their own healing, where they can be protected from themselves and others.

Dustin - 20:  On my graduation day, my superintendent came up to me and congratulated me saying, "We need more kids like you at our school. You are going to do great in life." This was extremely uplifting and I will remember his comment for the rest of my life.

Greg Z. - 60: One of my older men blessings came from my Uncle Harold. He was a salty, tough, uneducated, gentle, but good man. He taught me how to fish and to play horseshoes when I was about 9 years old. He always went out of his way to say how fast I caught on to the nuances of both activities and how I was really going to be good if I kept practicing. I still enjoy fishing to this day and though I don't play horseshoes much anymore, I still play a pretty mean game. Uncle Harold was the personification of "experience" to me. He was very good at both activities, so I believed that if he said I was good, it must be true.

Carl - ??: Sorry, Earl, but my answers to all of your questions are, "No." I had to do my own mentoring, which turned out to be pretty good in many ways. The absence of a mentor, however, proved to be a disaster when it came to my career/passion/work.

Wes - 63: During my formative years as an adolescent growing up in Australia during the war years (World War Two) it seems that "blessings" were really non existent or very hard to come by. Mostly the experience of grown men at that time was deprivation within their own lives and they were generally ill-equipped to dispense appreciative comment. There was plenty of advice giving as a substitute, usually in the form of criticism. Token appreciation could be found with teachers and sports coaches and here again that form of encouragement was usually associated with a dose of criticism and the advice to do better next time.

Boys my age usually sought peer groups as a way to seek approval, that would consist of being the most competitive, noisy, daring, rude, or other forms of acting out behavior. It's possible that the "blessing" occurred, but wasn't recognized. As a boy I was more interested in peer approval than "hearing" or even seeking something from an older male.

I'm wondering now whether approval from other adults outside our immediate family had as much value as that given by my parents, hence not hearing if a blessing was in fact given by someone else. My approval seeking behavior as a youngster may have been focused on trying to get parental approval, "hey Dad, look at me." That could manifest itself all through the life of a male .................wanting to gain Dad's blessing.

I guess for me I had to adapt to obtaining my blessings through criticism, at least I knew that I was alive. But a cold prickly was a poor substitute for a warm fuzzy!

Peter - 63: I can really only recall the "downers" (criticism) until I was in my thirties, when I began to get positive reinforcement for my stage work...still not real life; that came later still. I guess this shows what an important piece of work you are doing Earl.

Earl - 74: Sad to say, I can not remember one such incidence in my youth. I remember quite a few incidents in which my father or a football coach told me what a loser I was, but never a positive. I'm now fully recovered. Several decades back I felt like I had finally proven myself a fit human being, and satisfied my long dead father. If you wanted positives as told to me by a woman, I could name several other than my mother.

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