Questions for Men about Man-Making

Question 17. Understanding A Boy's Brain

Because of very different hardwiring in male and female adolescent brains, we're learning that putting boys and girls in the same classes, and then asking boys to learn in ways that are better suited to a girl brain (emphasis on language, sitting quietly, speaking in turn), is a setup for boys to fail. In the article Michael Thompson, co-author of the book Raising Cain, says, ". . . in schools today boys are being treated like defective girls.”

The question I have for you is about the time you were in classes with “girls.” Can you remember what it was like to be an adolescent male in a class with girls who were seemingly smarter and more verbal? Did you have an experience of being embarrassed, ashamed, or being put in a “one down” place? Will you tell me a short story about what that was like for you?

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Dave - 62:    I can't think of any time that I was embarassed, I was a wise ass and I always thought that I could be as smart as the girls if I wanted to but that wasn't cool. I goofed off in class as was the style for the guys in my school and we did whatever we could to disrupt what was going on. When I grew weary of that I just day dreamed. School seemed to be aimed at somebody other than me.

John - 28:    This is brings up vivid memories about how I always felt "dumb" in class because many of the activities required doing very boring things, very quietly for 2-3 hours at a time and I was no smarter at the end. Many female teachers seemed to be afraid to let the boys be too active in the interest of controlling the classroom but it was so quiet because many of the boys had given up and were mentally laying on their desks hoping to die.

I agree with the statement that boys are being treated like "defective" girls and other statements on this subject that I found on about.com. They were along the lines that that boys should get in touch with their "humanity" and enjoy having "human emotions" which is said with good intentions but it implies that boys are somehow inhuman unless they are expressing feminine emotions that are out of place (as a young boy) in male social interactions. They come more into play as an adult but the boy who knows how to bake, knit and dress a wound looks like a pansy. It comes in handy as a parent or a scoutmaster but the negative affect of being different and outcast can sometimes so more harm than good.

Jon H. - 54:   Not only did I suffer the experiences of shame and embarrassment as a boy in school, there was something deeper, something that went to my core. It was an assault on not only my academic efforts, but also the very core of my self-esteem and potential. It was an assault on who I was and what I could become. The wound from my early school experiences is deep. Often times there were no men around, or any one that understood that boys are just different, not "problem" learners.

In school, the prejudice against boys and their learning style differences was always apparent to me. Over and over I heard how smart girls were, except in math. By the time I reached sixth grade I had about enough of all the patronizing "sugar and spice everything nice, girls are better readers" crap. It was obvious to me at an early age that young girls in school were in a special elite class. They were given special privileges because of their reading skills. Every boy knew that girls were liked more by the teachers because they acted just like the teachers and "kissed ass."

The conflict between boys and girls in school starts early and develops into strong competition as they get older. By middle school the lines in my life were drawn clear. Girls did "school stuff" and boys were "jocks or drop outs.” If you were not a girl or a "jock" you had no place in my school. If you were very academically sound as a boy you were labeled something negative. If you were a girl but not smart or deemed smart you had to be a whore or slut and show your tits off some how. If you had no tits you were lost to the world just like the non-athlete boys.

I chose the role of Crazy Bad Boy. I was not "smart' enough to be a "brain" and too non-athletic to be a "jock.” I was kicked out of FTA (Future Teachers of America) in Mount Pleasant High School because I did not meet the sponsoring teacher's academic expectations. It was yet another blow to my ego and self esteem that said I did not count or could not be valued because I did not meet a woman's view of educational accomplishment. It is funny that many of those girls in the FTA club in my high school got pregnant before or just after graduation or married some jerk jock and never did go into teaching. I did and I am good at it and I love it.

My experiences as a male in a prejudice female school system did give me a very unique understanding and empathy for boys in school. It also gave me insight into what makes men tick or in many cases not tick. My experience in school made me a better teacher, father, and husband. I would not choose my experiences for any other man and I am on constant guard against all the prejudicial behaviors in my son's school experiences.

Nat - 15:    I have noticed that girls tend to be more organized than guys, and my school puts huge emphasis on being organized. If you aren't really organized, you can actually fail some classes. We have "notebook checks", that can be worth half your grade in some classes. They are checked randomly, and if you don't have your homework, all your notes, and it's not all in order, with a table of contents, you fail. And that's really hard for some of the guys to get used to. I don't even really understand why they make us do that - but I just grit my teeth and do it. I've also noticed that some of my friends are smart guys, but aren't very good at taking tests.

Cris H. - 54:    It always pissed me off that there were always consequences for boys not being "readers" but not for girls who were not god in math. I can still remember when the book, "Why Johnny Can't Read," came out. All the too do about nothing. I remember saying, more than once out loud, "Where is the book on 'Why fucking Suzy can't add her way out of a paper bag." Well intentioned as it might have been, the book seemed to illuminate the fact the boys were basically stupid, and girls, because they can "read better," were far superior. When you live with the old wound of that label, it doesn’t take much too much of a push to act out. I worked as a teacher in corrections for years and saw the effects that the, “women are smarter” tag had on men. Most of them rebelled against the label in some way.

Scott W. - 54:    I remember not having a clue what school was for. I was always wondering what was happening outside. One of my teachers moved me away from the window to keep me from looking. Then she moved me to the front near the door so I wouldn't knock people down rushing to get out when the bell rang. I had the same problem with sitting in church in the pew by the isle. Always held back by my mother’s hand, me constantly pleading, "can I go now?” "Not yet!" she whispers. Then, when I was finally released, I’d blast through double doors into the blinding light of Sunday morning. I can remember charging triumphant across the moist new lawn.

Peter - 45:    Initially I was in an all-male school that became co-ed after my third year. That meant the two important years leading up to main exams (GCE's in England) were my first experience working alongside girls in class. I wasn't very confident around girls at that time, but it was my clear impression/memory that they were always better organised, better dressed, tidier and more studious (generally) than we boys. They certainly behaved better in class, seemed to concentrate better, and their workbooks or project materials, etc were neater and better kept. I guess all those things would mean they were more likely to get better marks.

The other thing I recall was being frequently distracted by the sexual agenda - that is, flirting, looking at girls' bodies, etc and, in the following two/three years, being much occupied with first and subsequent girlfriends. I do recall being spoken to (told off) by teachers on a number of occasions for talking to girls in class when I ought to have been writing/working.

I would contrast this with my primary schooling 5 - 11 years which was mixed gender and very happy and relaxed. I had good relationships with my girl classmates and in many respects gender difference just didn't seem an issue. That came later with puberty and adolescence, I guess. I certainly recall feeling less socially adept than the girls at my secondary school; they seemed more sophisticated or mature.

Earl W. - 75:    Actually, my story is a little different. I was an only child and had no positive male role model of note in my life. In a book entitled "Father To Son" by Harry Harrison he describes 314 things a father should do or not do in raising his son. To see how far my dad fell short, I went through the book item by item, counting. My father did only six of the "good idea" suggestions, and most of the "do not do this.” I had a father, but he never built me up, never encouraged me, and always pointed out my inadequacies.

So to answer your question, in the years when I was 10-12, I played with the girls a lot at recess. Not exclusively, as I recall playing marbles and a soccer-type game with my boy classmates. In the classroom, I was pretty verbal, quite the wise guy and trouble maker, and not intimidated by my teachers. My art skills were encouraged in sixth grade by sweet, gray-haired Miss Woods, who showed the class my drawings as good examples of how to do it. She was one of my most positive influences.

It wasn't until I was about 60 years old that I felt I had proven my father wrong on all the things he said about me, and I could let that scab heal.

Greg Z. - 56:    I was raised by an alcoholic mother and a father who I somehow could never please- no matter how much I accomplished. This made me extremely competitive-in everything. I can't say that I ever felt that the girls in my schools were smarter and I would venture to say I felt I was verbally superior to them. That may have simply been my competitive nature. Obviously it served me well as far as "performing" went, but the price I paid for my competitive drive was a very high one. I myself became my father in that nothing I have ever done (and in all candor, I have accomplished a great deal in my life) makes me feel good enough about myself. I believe I missed a great deal by not having a male role model that I could truly admire and look up to. I feared my father and thought he was a monster at times.

Bob C. - 64:    I was blessed. I grew up in a small town in the 50's. Boys were allowed to be boys, and appreciated for what they are. Even the female teachers were very tolerant of our rowdiness, practical jokes. We did very little group learning. It was much more individual stuff. We learned teamwork on real teams, sports teams, not where teams were created artificially so that everyone (read the girls)could participate. I read the article and am really frustrated with the feminist world at this point. We need to turn this discussion into a positive sum game, not a zero or negative sum game. We need to find a way where women can reach their full potential, but not at the expense of men, and vice-versa.

Carl E. - 65:   In my school days I don't remember that the girls had all the smarts. There were plenty of boys at the top of my classes, including me. We all had our stupid subjects and moments. I remember a humiliating spelling bee disaster in 3rd grade. I don't remember the word but it was simple and I blew it because I rushed, and I was the last person on my side! I'm still embarrassed, and I still have a tendency to rush things when the pressure's on.

Frankly I never paid much attention to over all grades as much as I did to the grade of the person sitting next to me on the paper or test just being returned. That was the most important grade in the world. From what I've read in recent years, it sounds like there is a big social pressure that grades and learning are not "cool" for boys, and that sports and physicality are. That would make anything associated with grades tough socially.

Craig - 39:   No stories about girls in H.S. specifically. But I was definitely one of the 40% with no father in the home and I was expelled or suspended from every school I went to from the age of 10 on into college. I was a terrible student although I am very bright or so I have been told. My lack of formal education has never seemed to hold me back in life although it has forced me to pave my own way as I don't fit into the prototypical executive model.

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