Questions for Men about Man-Making

Question 1. Important Male Mentors

Who was an important male mentor for you (other than your father) as you were growing up? Write a few lines about this man and how he helped you along on your journey to manhood.

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Nat - 15:  When I was Cub Scouts, around 10 years old, for two years my den master was a guy named Mr. Albert. He was a great guy. He was really nice, smart, laughed a lot, and was good with tools. He was just cool - I don't know why, he just was. He wouldn't let the kids get out of hand, and he did weird things like make waffles for supper!

Before that I was in Scouts with two women who ran the den, and it was stupid. They never did anything useful. We'd work on crafts and stuff, but it was really disorganized. Mr. Albert made sure we entered the Pinwood Derby, and helped us build our cars in his woodshop out in his garage. One time, I had a school project and he let me work in his shop, and helped me make a watermill for the science fair. It had nothing to do with Scouts, but he was glad to help.

He's married and has two kids a little younger than me, and does remodeling around the house. He rebuilt his whole kitchen himself, in his spare time, and also worked a full-time job, and did Cub Scouts too. I was really sad when he stopped doing Scouts, because his sons didn't want to do it any more. I tried to move to another troop, but it wasn't as much fun. The new scoutmaster was good, but not as personal, I guess. He liked to hike & go camping, and that was great, but I don't think he even noticed if I missed a day, and eventually I just quit.

Now there's not really anyone who's a male role model for me. I don’t even know where my dad is, and my mom never married anyone else. I used to be really angry at him, but now I just don't care. He's not here, and I realize that maybe it's better this way. He ended up getting into drugs, and has a bad temper. I'd rather be like Mr. Albert, because he's a hard worker, a nice guy, and I don't remember ever seeing him lose his temper. And I want a workshop like his someday.

DUSTIN - 20:  I had two big contributors to my manhood growing up. One was the youth leader at my church. He was not only a leader but also a friend. He showed me that it is important to be passionate in life. He taught me more lessons about my life through God than anyone ever has.

Another big contributor to my manhood is my football and track coach. He always showed great leadership and respect. He taught me how to prepare to face my challenges in life. He also taught me to never become complacent and to always be grateful of the opportunities in front of me. So many of my life experiences have been shaped by Mac. .

DAVE - 60:  Al Droping was the juvenile officer in East Lansing. He was a guy who wore the kind of hat the Peter Gunn wore in the popular TV series of that name. We (the guys) all hung out at the restaurant in a local drug store and shared plates of fries if we could afford it, mainly we smoked and cussed. There were a couple of really bad guys in this group who had recently returned from jail and I was fascinated by them. Al Droping told me I should not be hanging around with that type of guy, that I was better than that. I knew he was right.

JIM C. - 56:  I was raised by my Mother and my Grandmother from the age of 3 till I was 8 or 9 years old. I only saw my Dad for maybe 1 weekend a month and a couple of weeks in the summer. Not having that male role model around for all those years must have had a big impact, but I really don't know what I missed - it was "normal" for me. Once my Mother settled in with the man that eventually became my step-father, he served as my role model for "maleness." The early years were difficult for both of us as we vied for my Mother's attention. I knew how to really push his buttons - he was incredibly tolerant. Until I was close to 25 - I didn't understand what he had done for me. He was the last parental unit to die and he is the one for which I hold some of my fondest memories.

MARK - 57: My most important mentor was my brother who is 6 years older. It was not any conversation he had with me, nor any interaction he had with me. But it was me patterning myself after him, the way he walked, the music he listened to, the clothes, how he played with his friends. The mentoring was me watching and listening.

I don't remember any adults who took an interest in me as a child. We lived in two separate worlds. I would like to invent someone but it would be a lie.

NATHAN - 22: Unlike a lot of people I know, I have and have pretty much always had a really good relationship with my Dad. However, by the time I was 16 my parents had broken up and I had lost a lot of respect for any adults. I had been disillusioned by the divorce, high school life, and people overall. I never went 'over the edge' but I did start drinking and using drugs.

Eventually a Christian friend brought me to church one day, where I met an associate pastor who really blew me away. He rode a motorbike, accepted me in spite of all my youthful baggage, and always spoke about real stuff. He was 'cool', and he wanted to hang out with me, which was strange but good. I really liked the way that he treated women, men and other young people. He was honest, direct and kind but strong. The way he spoke really turned me around and I decided I wanted to be like that.

Now, 5 years later, we are still great friends. He performed my marriage ceremony, was one of the first people that I called when my two sons were born, and we are planning on being around each other for a long time to come.

STEVE - 60: So odd that I have difficulty identifying a person...was there ever anyone other than my dad.... I never had any living grandfathers and no geographically close uncles. I was raised by she-wolves. But if I dig very deep, I guess there were a few.

The one that comes to mind is Harry, a black (in those days Negro) man who stopped for a period of time in the small white, western town where we lived. My dad was a traveling salesman and on the road a great deal. My mom ran a small deli with the help of my grandmother. I guess Harry just happened by and needed work.

Anyway I remember him as a kind, gentle and patient man who did odd jobs...I vaguely remember following him around and observing and having conversations. I don't remember any details, but the recalling of this small memory stirs something in me which I can't identify and only recognize in the tears I am experiencing at this moment.

DAVE - 51: In sixth grade I had my first male teacher. Both in the class room and as my sixth grade basketball coach, he gave me encouragement to do my best. He was the first male that paid attention and verbally gave me positive reinforcement. My father was often angry (when drinking) or very withdrawn and quiet.

TOM - 54: My mothers father was 100% Irish and had a wonderful sense of humor. They had a lake cabin and we went there all summer long. He taught me how to fish. I remember watching him clean the fish and I was fascinated. He wanted to teach me but I'd have nothing to do with the blood and guts. When I clean fish now I think of him. He had a lot of one liners that he would use all the time. His Irish personality was always visible.

BARRY - 45: My first, and only true, mentor was Art. Art became my boss when I was 21. I was at a point in my life when I had absolutely no idea who I was as a person. I barely made it through High School and was coasting in this so-called "job", which consisted of washing buckets in a food testing facility.

When I first met Art, he intimidated the hell out of me. He was tough, aggressive, demanding and had a reputation for hammering people for not performing. I didn't like him at first. He made me work my ass off, and I didn't think I was going to make it working for him. But, I slowly began to realize that he was a cool guy and that he knew what he was doing. He was the guy that people went to when they had a difficult problem to solve or a tough project to complete. He wasn't afraid to take on the tough assignments. People respected him. He didn't take any crap from people and didn't care what they thought of him. He would take anybody on if he believed that what he was doing was right.

As tough as he was, he also knew how to have fun. We did some things in the office that should have gotten us both fired. He brought me out of my shell...showed me that I had a sense of humor and that it was O.K. to use it. He persuaded me to go back to school to get my mechanical engineering degree (graduated with Honors) when a High School guidance counselor me that I should consider a vocational school because I wasn't going to amount to much. My life changed through my relationship with Art. I'll never forget him.

CRAIG - 39: I was a bad, bad kid who finally ended up in boarding school in the tenth grade after nearly being thrown out of yet another school for fighting. I was a NYC street rat that didn't take shit from anyone at the ripe old age of 14.

It was a man by the name of Bob Clark who was the head of the Boys Dorm in the boarding school I was sent to in CT. He took the time to look through my toughness and smart ass mouth to see a passionate kid with a huge heart that just wanted to be loved. He loved me when I was good and when I was bad. He took his time with me and he taught me to let the real me out. He taught me to cook -- a life long passion I enjoy to this day. He taught me to love children through his love for his own children. He taught me that we all come in different shapes and sizes and this is the beauty of our world, and not to judge people because they are one way or another but to accept people for who they are inside. He taught me many more lessons than I could ever detail here.

Throughout my life I have replaced bad parenting with good mentoring. I hope your book helps promulgate this process.

SNAKE - 50: There was this really quiet guy in my neighborhood when I was growing up. He was always out in his garage working on a really cool race car. He never said much but he was OK with a couple of young guys hanging out around the place. You could see the pleasure and acceptance in his face when we were around. We knew we were welcome and safe there.

It was a total "guy" place with the hot car, tools, and the smell of gas and oil. I learned about tools and that you can take things apart an put them back together and not only not mess up, but create something amazing. I can't say I knew him at all, but I did like being there.

STEVE - 45: One of the great bonds between me and my father was baseball. In Little League, he was my coach every year I played. However, when I was 11 my parents divorced, and my father was no longer actively involved in my life, and that included coaching my team.

The new coach was new to the league and didn't have a son of his own. Maybe it was because I was nervous and insecure, being without my father, and maybe he shared those same feelings being the "new guy" entering the hostile world of Little League parents. But we developed a bond. He took an interest in me and, in a way, we relied on each other to fill certain needs. Unknowingly, he became the father figure I needed and I was the son he never had.

I still remember him and the quiet dignity he had. I remember the way he carried himself and how he was always there to help - never yelling at any of the kids, never becoming too upset when we lost (which was often).

I also remember his daughter, who was a year older than me. She always had a smile and made you feel as if you were the most special person in the world, just like her dad. A year later she died of leukemia. She had been dying all along. As I look back, I now understand why her dad often wore a pained smile. He never let on that his daughter was dying. He never burdened others with his pain or allowed that to become an excuse for not treating people with decency, courtesy and respect.

I only spent that one year with him, but his impact has lasted a lifetime and I have always tried to emulate the man I knew and always hope to make proud.

TIM - 43: My wife often voices amazement at how little I seem to remember about my childhood. Having grown up in an alcoholic family with a father who was quite old, I don't remember much involvement or mentoring by him or others in my life.

DWAYNE - 22: There were a few good men that were an important part of my life.

My father passed away in 96. I was a few months away from my 18th birthday and I was devastated. He had been a heavy drinker, hard-hearted and was rough around the edges when it came to being sensitive, but he was my hero. If he wasn't working, my father was out at a bar getting tanked.

With my dad gone, I lived around a lot of women and things often got frustrating in a house dominated by females and female interests. My brother was making a life for himself in the Navy and was many miles away. I had no man that I was directly under, no mature male presence to help me feel good about myself.

Fed up with the home scene, I ventured out into the streets and hung out with others my age. On the street there were people for me to look up to, I had independence and felt like a man. I drank my own Liquor, smoke my own cigarettes and weed, even carried a gun. On the street people didn't argue with me every day. People didn't insult me because I did bad in school. On the street I felt I was respected and had a sense of belonging.

But I was also vulnerable for molding of what ever form. As a result, I got caught up in gang violence and spent most of my teen years in prison. The rest is long, hard story, but my point is that if my hero had understood the value of being a responsible man and passing it on to his son then he might not have died and left his son fatherless and confused.

Mr. Janes was one of my first mentors. He took interest in me. He instilled in me a feeling of being and thinking like a mature man. He taught me how to take on responsibilities and how to deal with making tough decisions and dealing with other adults. I didn't even communicate that much with my own father.

As I encountered more helpful men, I didn't wait for them to find me, but I began to reach for them. I drew out their best attributes and added them to my own character to make me the best man I could be. I'd say that the best lesson that I learned collectively from them was that there is no limit to my desire and success. Just dream big and pursue it hard. They taught me how to regroup and move on and bounce back from problems. They're the ones that taught me how to be a man.

DAVID - 50: An important male mentor?? I came from a largely "father absent" household. My mother divorced my father when I was 6. When I was 7 years of age my mother began a relationship with a man who was, by trade, a butcher. After a while I asked him to get some books about butchering because I wanted to be a meat inspector. Three times I reminded him about the books. Three times he forgot. I gave up. I now know that I was giving him a chance to enter my life and mentor me. I also know that after the three disappointments I HAD TO LET IT, AND HIM, GO!!! I never drew close to him. Amazing what a boy can figure out at a young age.

STEVEN - 49 : I remember my grandfather, but other than him, I don't recall another "mentor" other than my father.

My grandfather was a large, barrel-chested man always in coveralls. He worked hard as a farmer with crops milk cows, pigs, chickens and ducks. The reflected memory I have that is the strongest is his quiet but obvious love for me. He never needed to do any disciplining. There was something about him that conveyed a strength and compassion that just inspired good behavior and respect in me.

BOB - 50: This question stirred a vivid recollection of a man who helped me as a young man. He was a British engineer working in the US as a consultant to the US auto industry, and he introduced me to the world of British cars...as you know it is a passion I still retain over 30 years later.

But more importantly, he taught me valuable life lessons in the process of learning how to keeping old British sports cars running. I learned about patience, craftsmanship, preventive maintenance, anticipating problems, doing things the right way...virtues that have served me well through the years. I can still hear him, "the job may take a little longer, but do it right the first time," a universal truth, and something often lacking in today's hectic society.

MARK - 53: Bob Loyson was my first coach in baseball. His son, Danny, was my friend. Danny played second base, but Bob moved him to shortstop so that I could play second (My arm was not strong enough at that time to play short!. He gave me the opportunity to play the sport that I loved, at a position where I could excel. A couple of years later, as my arm grew strong, in addition to second base, he let me pitch. I became an all-star at both positions.

When I moved from one town to another just before my sophomore year in high school, Bob told the new school about me, and it gave me a head start in being welcomed in the new community. Bob always built me up - increased my confidence and help me achieve new heights.

JIM - 54 : Two mentors leapt to mind immediately. Neither of them really knew about it but they contributed more than they can ever imagine to my passage into manhood.

The first, Mr. Tellis, gave me the intellectual gift of taking me out of the classroom one day in 8th grade to "have a talk with me." At the time I was a typical, adolescent, wise-assed kid who had just found smoking to be cool. When he called me out of the room, I was sure I was busted; then when he started in, "If you were my kid I'd kick your ass..." Then I knew for SURE I was busted.

But his next words still ring in my ears today. "... because you are far too smart and gifted to be goofing off and messing up the way you are!" Those words turned me around to get me through part of high school with great grades until my family situation had me drop out. They came back to me and inspired me to get my GED and eventually a Chemical Engineering degree from U of Florida.

The second mentor, Joe Draper, gave me the gift of craftsmanship and working with my hands. He was a master carpenter that my dad employed for several years. When I would go to work with dad in the summer, Joe would be there and would critique my work (meager as it was at the time). He always worked to be proud of his work and he helped me to see how that I could be even more proud of my work, "... if you do this or do that you can make it a little better..." He had a wonderful, positive, approach that still shows in my love of woodworking and the praise I get for the quality of my work today.

Sadly, once I was old enough to realize the gifts each had given me, I was never able to track either of them down to thank them.

I also didn't have contact with my uncles, and both my grandfathers were dead before I was born. It wasn't until much later in my life that I discovered it was unusual to have had so much contact with my dad and so little with other men.

Today, I have a hard time relating to other men who had so little father time. My father taught me how to cook, do math, program computers, play chess, classical music, and lots of other things. But the downside was that since he was an abuser, I got lots of negative "attention" as well!

My first male mentor was my 6th-grade teacher, who was of French descent. He encouraged me (for example) to read Greek myths from the school library because I was so overly math oriented. I really didn't understand the value of this material until I was well over 40.

When I was about 10, I met a young man who was in high school who became a kind of leader/facilitator for a group of about six boys from my elementary grade school class. It was a club sponsored by the local YMCA. Jim invited us to his parents' home where we built a little club room in their basement, and met there once a week. He took us on field trips, where we got better acquainted, and learned how to cooperate with one another. We really had fun.

Jim instilled in me a desire to do the same thing with two groups of boys. When I was in High School, I spent 2 summers as a Camp Councilor. Later in my life I was a Hockey Coach for eight years.

At a Community Gathering last week, a 41 year old man approached me. He asked, "are you Mr. R---?" I said yes, I am. He introduced himself as one of "your hockey players." He said I was the Best Coach he ever had. "You taught us how to Lose as well as win." I asked him how he recognized me after 31 years. He said "I recognized your smile." What a nice thing for me to Hear.

MIKE - 30: I remember when I was 20 and first heard of the Outward Bound program. At that point in my life, hearing about challenging adventure and how they taught tenacity, undefeatable spirit, compassion, sensible self denial, and pursuing curiosities and passions... it sounded like a peak far in the distance I was seeing for the first time and I realized that someday I wanted to climb it... Since then, my involvement in Outward Bound has offered me innumerable touchstones and mentoring for my notions of manhood and a sense of masculine maturity.

He taught me much about the game and how to win and lose comfortably. I can still visualize Merrel balanced on his crutches while hitting infield practice. His courage, friendship, acceptance and humor were hallmarks of this remarkable human. After growing too old for his teams, my pals and I continued to visit "Rook's Confectionery" even for a few years when home from college. Merrel was the first visitor at my father's wake and our hug was wonderfully sustaining.

Not too many months after my fathers death, while my new bride and I were keeping the Russians out of Northern California, we heard that Merrel had died of a heart attack. His large funeral, in addition to people my age, was heavily populated by lots of young people who also treasured his gifts of support and friendship.

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