Questions for Men about Man-Making

Question 3. Important Lessons About Manhood

What were some of your earliest lessons you were taught about how to be a man? Who taught you? Did the lessons come from your father, a relative, a friend, someone in the neighborhood, or someone else? A lesson about something men do... something men don't do?

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David – 52 - Australia: I went into the military at age 16. The military chaplain was like a counselor/friend/values clarifier/ombudsman. If you had a problem with the system, he could intervene at any level of rank and advocate on your behalf. We could drop in on him in his office for a confidential chat. Because he stood for compassion and moral leadership, he was highly respected. Chaplains were always a part of leadership training, teaching the ethics of living and serving – of being a congruent and trustworthy man. I have clear pictures of them in my mind and I am sure that they formed part of my background picture of manhood.

Spike - 56: Growing up in a Big Ten town meant that my father couldn't wait to take me to a football game and I think I was about six the first time he took me. I remember the smell of cigars and pipe tobacco in the open autumn air and the raised voices of men shouting at their team and against the ref or the opposition.

At the half we headed to the men's restroom to take a leak and I remember, what must have been one of my first visits, looking at all the men as they lined up to relieve themselves in the long trough like urinals. I remember being afraid that when my turn came that I wouldn't be able to do it right.

When our turn came, I walked with dad up to the long trough and searched for my member and looking straight ahead. I managed to get it out and deposited my water. I also took a peek to my right and about head high was the longest row of dark hairy and large penises that I had ever seen, I must have been standing there staring because the next thing I remember was my dad tapping me on the head and saying, "better put it away if your done with it," and we went back to the game we went. But I went back more man than I had been.

STEVE - 45: When I was about 16, I was spending the day with my father when he suddenly pulled into a gas station that was owned by a man who used to manage a team in my Little League. He told me to wait in the car and he went inside for a few minutes. When he came back he was beaming! He explained that he had borrowed some money from this man 5 or 6 years earlier, and was just now able to pay him back.

My father had gone through some very rough times, especially after my parents divorced, and he endured much shame and embarrassment, I know. So, for him to be able to come back and pay off this debt - even though he now lived 90 miles away and years had passed by - I could see and feel the value of his actions and the pride that was restored.

My father taught me the value of perseverance and the importance of integrity that day. And each and every time I repay a debt, I feel a great sense of fulfillment and pride -- and I know just how dad felt.

MIKE - 67: Here's what I learned early in life: -- No, you can't have any friends -- No, you can't have any money -- Keep your mouth shut I never knew whether I was on the right track and making progress. I never felt valued by my family or community. Yes, I felt lost, alone, and unsure. Today, I have no friends, no money, and I seldom talk to people.

DWAYNE - 22: I did not receive any particular lessons about being a man. I just copied what I saw older men do and assumed that is what you do to be a man. I learned the value of being the provider and the primary in the house hold from my father. I learned that it was alright to drink and smoke from my father. My true lessons came from my time in prison watching the older men who had clout. I would watch their behavior and reason it out to myself. I learned how to read another mans heart and mind by his body language. I learned how to stand up for myself and fight off who ever I needed to. The main thing I learned about being a man is to not engage in homosexual behavior and to protect your family and self. These were on a very fundamental level but over time I have added my own ideals and am fine tuning my perspectives.

JUSTIN - 28: One important lesson my Dad taught me was that money "doesn't grow on trees." Now that I have a good job and a house, I realize how important and true that lesson was.

CHARLEY - 49: Brother Greytak did not treat me special, but he was an eccentric, a rebel, and most of the boys in my high school class thought he was way cool. He grew a beard, something the Christian Brothers of Ireland were not supposed to do. He said it was because he had a face rash, but he winked at us like this was just the story he told oppressive authorities.

He made much of his background as a "cowboy" in Montana, taking students on Saturday morning outings to hunt for fossils like he did back home. He did other weird things, like treat the classroom as a climbing wall. As someone read about the Hundred Years' War from a boring history book he would be stepping from the window ledge to his desk in his full length black robe and rebel beard. As he teetered, we would crane our necks protectively at the door. What would The Greytak do if the principal walked in? We worried for him.

He showed us that even within a tightly run outfit you can still be yourself. He wasn't particularly kind or particularly quotable. He was aloof, James Dean-like if you can picture that in a man in a black cassock. One of the things I remember was what he said about sex, a subject rarely mentioned at our school full of boys seething with hormones. What he said about sex was simple, he said, "Boys, learn to live with it." It is advice I am still trying to follow.

STEVE - 53: My dad was a pheasant and quail hunter. We raised Springer Spaniels, field not show dogs, and guns were as common in our house as baseball bats. At age seven I was allowed to go into the field with dad and "the boys". So at four in the morning mom was making Swedish pancakes and sausage to eat at the table and to take along in clever wax paper packets, we dressed in inadequate layers, loaded the guns and dogs into the old Buick's trunk and headed off into the still dark and cold Kansas morning.

At seven I was a dog too. I ran after "winged" running rooster pheasants and learned to drop them at my father's left heel after expertly ringing their necks. But at age eleven, on opening day, I proudly carried a single shot .410 Winchester and blew small hole in the sky as my dad and brothers calmly shot out from under me every bird I took a bead on.

The lesson...be fast, be accurate, swing through as you lead the target, and never count on family to let you have what you want if they want it too. You have to fight for it like hounds on a raccoon.

DOUG - 65: My first and only sex education lesson from my father came one evening when he knew my date was the cutest girl in the neighborhood. After asking what I was doing that night and with whom, he directed me that "Gentlemen always keep their zippers zipped." Many years later my brothers and I were sharing stories about "the old man" and they remembered getting the very same advice.

Dave - 56: I remember going fishing with my dad when I was around seven, just he and I. We got up when it was dark, made breakfast and were on the water just as the sun came up. About mid-morning after a lot of Thermos coffee for dad and a couple of cokes for me, my dad leaned over the side of the boat and relieved himself. I held back as long as I could, fearing that my dick wasn't long enough and that I'd surely either pee in the boat or fall overboard. When I finally had no choice, I was just able to lean far enough and still not fall in the water. I managed, and it was a proud moment. It was like me and dad, WE knew how to pee out of a boat!

LEE - 62: My "play time life" was shattered at age 10 by my Dad. I was told that in the summer I could no longer spend my hours playing in the sand box with my trucks or building forts, or playing war in the empty lot. I had to cut the grass and work at the family hardware store.

I also remember being taken on a fishing trip with my dad and four of his buddies. I brought them fresh beers when there's were empty. I watched them play poker and was startled when my Dad said "fuck" every other word when addressing his buddies and his poker hand. After that trip, I was "one of the boys."

STEVEN - 49: First lessons came from my father and grandfather--My father's positive messages were that he was solid, loyal to his family, committed, loving--all these messages were given without a word. I guess I learned about a man's quiet strength and loyalty.

I also learned that men didn't talk about their feelings. I recall one episode that impacted me greatly. The day that John F. Kennedy was assassinated we were all glued to the TV, waiting for news. I was about ten years old and sort of oblivious to the gravity of the whole scene but as the news unfolded I looked over and my father was crying! This was the first time I saw this. I learned that men DID have feelings after all--expression reserved for extremely dramatic and grave circumstances. On the other hand I learned that men, even sad enough to cry, did not talk about it.

I also learned from my father that work was a dreaded thing that was necessary for the sake of the family. Work drained my father and he came home more times than not quite frustrated and angry with how he was treated that day, what he was expected to do and how they never took his advice or expertise seriously. Work was an obligation, not something you did to satisfy passion or celebrate as an interesting, joyful, self-actualizing experience. On the positive side I learned that men were tenacious and willing to suffer the work for the sake of the family.

My Grandfather taught me strength and caring without words. He was a huge rock to me, tall and barrel-chested always in overalls. From him I learned that men are strong, they work hard and show love in different ways than women-he let me sit on his lap but didn't hug or kiss--yet I always knew he loved me.

FRED - 61: When I was a boy my father was always voted the most difficult of all the fathers by my group of friends. It wasn't really a contest. Physically, he was an enormous presence as a former heavy weight wrestler in college and football player, who used his strength by implying that he could, if provoked, become violent. As an intellect, he equally intimidating, skilled in the art of using words to reduce the opposition, as well as inform, which fit well with his chosen profession of the law.

Yet it was my father who nurtured me more than my mother (who was Norwegian and didn't let emotion interfere with anything). He leaned over my bed at night when I was still in a crib and taught me to talk. It was my father who patted me on the back and gave me the physical contact I needed as a young child. He believed men could kiss each other, having grown up in a second generation German family, and was affectionate without being at all sentimental.

As I was growing up he corrected and improved my language skills at breakfast and dinner every day until I had learned what he considered to be correctness and accuracy of speech. At the breakfast table my father would play a game of reading from the New York Times while changing whole paragraphs of the story. The game was to catch him in these excursions into fancy.

In later years I came to think of him as a huge boulder, which loomed over my childhood. I was planted underneath this boulder and everywhere I found it in my way. I was forced to grow around it until I was tall enough to be in the sun above. Then one day, to my surprise, the boulder which had been an impediment became a mighty anchor to my roots. Today, I am grateful for the boulder, and thankful for my father's difficult love.

LEWIE - 70: I was a cub scout for a couple of years and then stayed in scouting until I was 14. I learned many of the rules of the game through this experience. I don't remember that my parents helped me complete any of the developmental projects. Our den leader's son was two years older than me and became my role model.

I learned many male survival skills in scouting and gained much from the older boys. I still remember- a scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent.

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