Questions for Men about Man-Making

Question 4. Learning How To Be A Man

In this question, please tell me about one of those moments when, on your own, you discovered or figured out one of the pieces to the puzzle called "How to Be a Man." It could have been from experimentation, reading, TV, movies, or just watching older boys and men. What was your discovery and how did you figure it out?

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JAMES - 47: I remember endless hours in the bathroom staring at my face in the mirror. The horror of the relentless pimples and the almost as embarrassing brown spot left by Clearasil, the anti-pimple cream. The awe of seeing the sparse black facial hairs that had begun to appear and the playing at shaving. I'd uses enough foam to do a full beard and my dads razor. I was really just playing at man stuff... and the toilet paper all over my face covering the cuts from doing it wrong... funny now.

JOHN - 50:  After 50 years on this planet, I am only now realizing the damaging affect of stereotyping boys on the playground. I was not 'small' or 'slight' or any of those things. I was maybe even tall or large, but I never felt that way. I wasn't comfortable on the playground. I was afraid and unsure. I was intimidated by other boy’s roughness and what I would now call 'macho' behavior.

But what most scary was that the teachers and monitors not only tolerated it, they seemed to promote it through their lack of attention to a boy who cried or a boy who was experiencing pain. The prevailing attitude that was communicated to us boys was to "keep a stiff upper lip," or "hang tough" when we were hurting. Amid these attitudes, I learned to hide my feelings, not show my sensitivity, and to give other boys a bit of a hard time. Rather than show another guy that he was liked, it was more appropriate to give them a little hassle, to tease or test in some way or to show affection by a light slug to the shoulder.

All aspects of boys need be celebrated, not just their gladiatorial qualities. We don't need better 'warriors' we need more warriors of the heart - boys who will follow their feelings more than following orders, boys who will value friendship and love over prestige and power. Mentors of boys and girls need to show their vulnerability more than their successes. Our society would benefit greatly from lessening the need for interpersonal 'armor'. The huge costs of boys and men carrying around this armor and bashing each other's armor, testing for weakness or holes, is costing us peace and serenity in all of our lives.

BEN - 57: I don't remember exactly how old I was the first time I masturbated, 10 maybe, but it certainly was about doing something very male. A friend of mine had actually told me what to do, but he'd not given me a lot of details about would happen.

I had arrange everything and was in the bathtub in a tub of hot water with the soap, and behind a locked door. Once things had commenced I felt both fear (what was happening!?) and enormous excitement. When I finally climaxed, I could hardly take it all in. The stuff leaving my body, the incredible sensations, the sense of release of tensions, it was all so amazing I had to try again.

That evening was the beginning of a wonderful thing. I had done something very manly, had a great new toy, but didn't know anything about where to go from there.

STEVE - 45: Growing up, men had always been portrayed as strong and in control. You know,"men don't cry", that sort of stuff. Being active in sports only reinforced that concept. This made adolescence even more difficult, as I confronted scenarios that made me feel compassionate, yet I felt too embarrassed to show any emotion in public, especially in front of my peers.

During my senior year in high school, a few of the guys went over to a girl's home that we all knew to watch the movie "Brian's Song". It wasn't so much that there wasn't a dry eye in the house by the end of the movie -- peers or no peers, tears were flowing -- it was more the characters in the film itself. These were football players, men's men, and they were showing emotion; they were crying. And their manhood wasn't compromised. In fact, in my opinion, it was strengthened. From that moment on I wasn't nearly as reluctant to show my emotions, fearing that people would think of me as acting "childish."

TOM - 54: I moved into the fraternity house as a freshman in college. The seniors immediately impressed me as being men. They were aloof, cocky, smoked and talked a lot about getting laid. They sang many songs about sexual prowess and using women. I hadn't smoked or drank until then and I figured my first time would be my intro to manhood. My Big Brother mixed me numerous Jack Daniels and Squirt cocktails and I smoked and inhaled a pack of Pall Mall non-filters. I was hot stuff.

I started throwing up around midnight and kept up all night until I literally could not stand up. Even though I paid a price I still regarded that behavior as manly. I knew there was something wrong with the "using women" idea but I was very envious of the guys who were "getting a lot". I also had respect for the brothers who were getting good grades. Taking school seriously seemed manly. It was important and had a lot to do with your future. Manly activities could be very serious or completely wild. Men were independent, robust, sexual beings who expressed themselves with bravado and energy. Men were not very sensitive or caring but they were very loyal. Anybody messing with one of the brothers messed with them all. We took our relationships very seriously and many of them still exist today.

STEVEN - 49: I was/am and introvert so I did a lot of my learning from observation and listening, drawing conclusions. One specific instance of learning was when I went to a pool hall (John's billiards) in the basement of a storefront in our small town. I didn't tell my parents I went because it was a place that only hoods and 'bad' people went to hang out.

I watched and learned that men posture...they puff up and learn to intimidate. I learned that there were powerful men--those who intimidated, swore, pushed others around and there were the un-powerful men--those who received the wrath of the powerful. And, there was a third category of men--those who were there but didn't seem to count...like me and my friend, and some older boys too, inconsequential, not a threat to the powerful and not on the radar of the un-powerful.

I think this was also the time when I began to learn that men were supposed to talk to other men only about a limited number of things--how much you drank, how many women/girls you 'did', and anything to do with sports. Taboo subjects that would make me less of a man were: anything having to do with caring and feeling, i.e. feeling love for the women/girls in my life, anything broadly spiritual having to do with inner peace and development and self care, anything having to do with exploration of intellectual and/or artistic endeavors. Later on--in college, I learned there were very few men who I could relate to regarding the latter set of topics. I learned that it was best to keep these things quiet and protected, inside, never letting them out unless in VERY safe circumstances.

MATT - 27: When I was 11 I was sitting on my parents bed home alone, and liked the feel of the sheets to my arms.... So, I got naked.  The feel was amazing, and before long, I found my penis erecting.  That was the first time I had a woody, and I didn't know what to think.  I soon discovered that touching it would make a tingle, and masturbated for the first time.   I was freaked out, but, I am enjoying it ever after!

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