Questions for Men about Man-Making

Question 9. Teaching A Boy To Be A Man

A motivation for the creation of this book was when Ojulu, my Sudanese refugee friend and a father, asked me to help him "teach my son how to be a man in your country." My reaction was that I immediately felt lost, confused, and seriously challenged.

Go with your gut and give me a little input on any of the questions below… all of our responses, taken together, will form a path out of the wilderness we can all follow.

If this question were asked of you,

• What actions would you take?
• What would be important for the boy to know?
• What would be important for the boy to experience?
• What values would be important to communicate to a young man today?
• What man would you hold up as a positive role model?
• What books, films, websites, organizations or other resources would you suggest that could help a boy move along on his journey to manhood?

If we're going to point young men in the direction of strong, responsible, loving, and stable manhood, how should that be defined and taught?

(Return to all the Questions for Men)

Herb – 54: Our society merely has to find better ways to 'attach' to boys. I'm 54 and remember when teachers volunteered to referee football games on Saturday. I don't know if the teacher's unions will allow this anymore. Boys without close family ties are adrift. That's staring us all in the face isn't it?

The benefits boys get as pre-teenagers working with adult men who have to make a living, or simply being around men, is part of the critical connection process. Underlying the physical connection is the moral, ethical, and attitudinal learning that occurs when boys get exposure to men.

Our society had better get real and offer up meaningful themes with music and TV and movies. I'm sure that accolades for Brokeback Mountain will serve to detach boys further from the truth of reality. At some point a detached boy will say, "Who's to say what's right or wrong?" At that point he needs more than ever, the moral connections that were previously better provided to boys.

JOSHUA - 22: Last year I had the opportunity to be a high-school hockey coach. During practices I would encourage them and 'push' them to do their best. I tried to get them to understand that they may not be able to control certain circumstances and they can't control the way others act, but they can control their own actions and, most importantly, their attitude. I found that by simply believing in a boy, having faith that he will succeed at what he whole-heartedly strives for, encourages him to have faith in himself. Being on a disciplined team gives them a purpose. And when boys feel there is a purpose for them, and that someone believes in them, they feel whole, worthy, and special.

Herb - 53: I'm very much interested in helping boys to become men, but I don't see most men as capable to teach boys the virtues of masculinity. If we will teach boys and men to become MEN, then the teachers must be acknowledged MEN themselves. My generation (I'm 53), for the most part, had never lived, let alone learned the harsh lessons which shaped previous generations of men, into manhood. Today, most of our gender are living middleclass lives and have been under-exposed to the rigors and demands of previous generations.

It is worse for the current younger generation and I think we're in deep shit because of it. Today more than ever, troubled boys are exposed to the crap values too often expressed in the themes on TV, movies, advertisements, and our low down, ass dragging pop culture. At the same time, little or no value is ascribed to their struggle towards manhood. There is no believeable empathy for most boys in trouble. As a result, they are alienated and rejected.

Our culture wierdly moves away from the solution. We talk and get fat asses when we should be forming ourselves physically (running, pumping iron, eating a lean diet), Mentally (learning, reading, studying values and ideas which would make us more valuable), Spiritually (moving inwardly toward God, praying to God for the strength to become a positive example as a man.

A boy and a man must learn that he has a heroic spirit, he must know himself and his values, and hold them, nourish them, and practice them with an intese discipline. If I can stress one thing it's this: Manhood is an intensely individual process involving the accumulation and discrimination of the highest core values, and the skills and discipline needed to live by them. I believe this is required for the very survival of mankind. I consider myself a Man who is continually learning what it means and what is required to be a man.

Phil- 59:  In the workplace, at my company, for 30 years I have tried to mentor young men that have worked for me.  I think I do this because I have always cared about them.

• I have silently blessed them and I have have worked to be accepting and forgiving of their errors. 
   
• I have seen the fear in their eyes of being criticized, judged, or punished, when an error was made, a fear probably created by their father or mother, and I have avoided treating them in such a manner.
   
• I have treated them as adults, not children, and I have taught them to become better young men by helping them better understand personal responsibility and workplace responsibility.

My success at this is not 100%, not all young men want to take advantage of an opportunity for growth when one is presented. However, I would say that the majority of the young men responded positively to the way I treated them, and one or two still stop by for a hug 10-15 years later.

CHARLEY - 51: When I was thinking about what's important for boys to know, the word that came to me was "resistance".

Teach the boys resistance. Resistance to what? Resistance to the information swamping them. Resistance to group pressure and group think. Resistance to fashion, advertising and the media. Resistance to bullies. Resistance to what feels wrong to them, even if it comes from their parents. Above all, resistance to soul-killing fear. Fear of the world, fear of death, fear of tornados, fear of being made fun of at school, fear of being called a sissy, fear of not being like the others.

Why resistance? Because I think "the modern condition" is one of too much noise. One must fight (i.e. resist) to make space for hearing the quietness of one's own mind, the source of not only values but also creativity. Resistance may sound strict or crabby, but that's not how I see it. Call it joyful resistance. But it is not easy. It takes discipline.

What is important for boys to experience?

Again, we are literally "swamped" in opportunities for experience. Think of how parents get sucked into chauffeuring kids around from soccer, to piano, to swim lessons, all for fear they will miss some important (and developmentally crucial) "experience". Kids have less unstructured time, are rarely told to "go outside to play." I think it is important to give kids lots of unstructured time, and lots of time to "get bored." I wish I knew how to "force" them outside more, but I don't. I'm hoping to lure them there through boredom.

I also feel boys should have the experience of being listened to by patient adults (not to be confused with allowing them to break into conversations at their whim). I think it's important for kids to witness and be a part of adult conversations about hard things--disagreements, fears, inequities in the world, etc. They should watch adults struggle with their differences in respectful ways.

I think it's also important that boys experience unpredictability, especially in adult behavior. I'm thinking more "goofy" than inconsistent discipline. Kids are very conservative. They are constantly creating "worldviews" that are tighter than the world and need shaking up.

Boys need what a friend of mine calls "uncle energy" -- irreverence, humor, and silliness. Boys especially need this and also lots of physical contact, especially "puppy wrestling" and mock combat.

Some people say children need to be given a consistent worldview (i.e. religion) that they can grow out of later if they so choose. I'm not convinced. I think they need truth. Truth to me is constantly reminding them that adults disagree about just about everything. I tell them verything they hear (including from me) is from one person's perspective.

STEVE - 45: If this question were asked of you, what actions would you take? The first thing I would tell this boy is to always follow the answer that is in your heart. Do not allow outside influences to permeate and distort your thinking. Be true to the ideals morals and values that you have chosen to set for yourself. Know the difference between right and wrong and do not let others define the two for you.

What would be important for the boy to know? Know that it is okay to make mistakes. That there is nothing wrong with making an error in judgment, or making a decision that turned out wrong. In fact, it is more than just "okay" -- it is natural, it's a progression. When you open yourself up to being wrong, you are acknowledging that it is acceptable, and giving yourself permission, to learn and grow. There is no such thing as perfection, and if you can accept that in yourself, your journey through life will be much more enjoyable and rewarding.

What would be important for the boy to experience? To me, the most rewarding experience is that of laughter - to wear a smile and put a smile on others faces. I dare anyone, even in the darkest of moods, to offer someone a kind smile without having it returned. It is infectious and contagious - and it is perhaps the greatest gift we can share.

What values would be important to communicate to a young man today? One of the values being lost in today's society is that of accountability. Accept responsibility for yourself, and take responsibility for your own actions. No one "makes" you do anything in this world. Make your own decisions - and accept the consequences, good or bad.

What man would you hold up as a positive role model? While there are many, of course, I would use a role model such as Cal Ripken. Aside from being a tremendous athlete, he handles himself, under great scrutiny and pressure, with class and dignity. He believes in leading by example and is a man of his word. He also understands the expectations placed upon him as a recognizable figure (and role model), and willingly signs autographs and gives of his time for the betterment of others. He is also a devoted family man. Despite numerous injuries and the inevitable aging process that has diminished his skills, he never makes excuses and won't allow others to do so on his behalf.

What books, film, web, organizations or other resources would you suggest that could help a boy move along on his journey to manhood? A few films that come to mind: "To Kill a Mockingbird", "Big", "It's a Wonderful Life", "Field of Dreams", and "Glory."

If we're going to point young men in the direction of strong, responsible, loving, and stable manhood, how should that be defined and taught? First, you must teach by example. Not just through positive examples -- but point out negative ones as well, so they can understand the differences between the two, and the consequences that result from one's actions. I think you have to be able to hug your child and tell him or her that you love them. I think you shouldn't be afraid to show emotions, within reason of course.

Most importantly, you must have enough love and respect for them to create boundaries - and have the fortitude to enforce them. At the same time, be respectful of their growth by expanding or removing some boundaries as they get older and show more responsibility.

You must also be honest and up front (aside from the occasional times you make an adult decision to protect them from certain truths that they are not yet mature enough to handle or accept). Explain your decisions as often as possible -- try to avoid the "because I told you so" line as often as possible. And...last but certainly not least --- keep your word.

DAVID - 48 - AUSTRALIA: G'day Earl. Yair well that was a doozy. Chewed over it several times before putting digit to keyboard. So, this question puts us right up against the old issue of role restriction and conditioning. Some boys will not want to be men, often because the "role models" they've experienced have been utterly undesirable. Whilst this points to a re-definition of the meaning of "masculinity", and despite the continuing value of the men's movement, we are again approaching a point in our development where the very narrow applicability of the labels "male" and "female" needs to be held foremost in our sight.

There are quite a lot of young people about these days who exhibit a delightful androgeny. Male or female, they won't take any shit and a woman may sit with relaxed open legs and a man may dance elegant and loose.

I am a MAN in relation to the WOMAN I desire. Otherwise, I am ME, a human being, like you, whatever your gender.

So: It is in the SEXUAL context that I most feel my MANhood, which sounds pretty logical! The other context where my maleness has felt relevant is in a BOY'S NEED FOR A FATHER.

Which brings me back to your question of how or where to guide a boy into "manhood". Well I would encourage him at every point along the way to BE HIMSELF, and where he doesn't know himself, to FIND HIMSELF, by looking within rather than without. This general approach will be no different for a girl. It's with his introduction to SEX that I'd have more to say about "manhood" - but that's another story.

KEVIN - 34: What would be important for the boy to experience? First, I feel that a person really finds out who they are when they are presented with several challenges at once. One of them should be easy and one of them should be very difficult if not impossible. Yes, I realize that we are talking about a boy, yet at the same time, we are talking about a person with free will and the ability to think. The overall point is you find out more about yourself when you succeed. At the same time, you find out even more about yourself when you fail to achieve the desired results.

Today, I see life as a journey. I learned a lot about myself in my struggle to find out what direction I needed to go to become a man. I could have taken the easy way by just saying that I was now a man. On the other hand, who was this person that crossed the bridge from child to man. In looking back, I see that I have chosen many different directions in becoming a man physically. I am currently on the journey to emotionally and spiritually become a man. Each new challenge is teaching me more about who I am and what I need to continue to become a man. Now, I see that there is no correct direction that I need to do or experience to become a man. It is the journey that actually is the foundation that creates the bridge.

BOB - 52: What would be important for the boy to experience? Boys need to be free to make mistakes and supported when they ask questions. Once I was helping my step dad when he was working on a car, I was probably 8 years old, he asked me to get him a ½ inch closed face wrench. I brought back a crescent wench that was closed. When I handed him the wrench he said "don't you know anything, this is a crescent, you're more trouble than you're worth, I might as well do it myself". After a few more instances I learned to either hide or observe and not ask questions. There was a penalty for being wrong so why even be around.

It would have been more effective if he had sat me down to go though the tools, when I made a mistake to support me with an explanation and to let me know how much I was learning. Even today my first response is not to ask questions and to not attempt something I have little experience with. Is that why guys can't ask for directions?

This sounds pretty simplistic. I learned good observation skills, but the hands on support and encouragement would have made it much easier. Even today I try to be careful when I explain things so the details are filled in and the other person feels comfortable asking for more information.

BARRY - 45: If this question were asked of you, what actions would you take? First I'd pick myself off the floor (like you did) and really think about what that question means and how to answer it. Not knowing what the hell to do next, I would probably ask the person what it means in his culture. At least that would let me stall for some time and put together a plan and think of an answer!

What would be important for the boy to know? That becoming a man is a "process" that's not well-defined or written down or easy to explain. It doesn't just happen on your 13th birthday when you're Bar Mitzvah'd as the Jews Believe. It's a metamorphous that somehow takes place over time with the right, guidance and support. But what's becoming more and more apparent to me is that in order for that metamorphous to take place a son needs a father or older man that's active, involved and central in the boy's life.

What would be important for the boy to experience? It sounds like a cliché, but having true, quality, one-on-one time with a father or adult male is critical. Ya know, guy stuff!!! I never went camping or to ball games or spent time just my father and me.

I was watching the Little League World Series on TV the other day. I was watching the faces of the fathers in the stands as their sons played. The look of pure joy was undeniable and moving. It was clear to see that those years of involvement and bonding was paying off in an experience neither will ever forget; win or loose (I know that some parents get carried away with some sporting events, but that seemed irrelevant at that moment). I became very sad watching. I realized that I've never experienced those moments with my father and feel like I missed out.

What values would be important to communicate to a young man today? Responsibility: Accept responsibility for your actions. Trustworthiness: Say what you're going to do and do it. Acceptance: Honor your limitations, strengths and weaknesses. Tolerance: Accept that everyone's different, period. Caring and consideration: It's O.K. and important to be sensitive about people and feelings. Humor: It's O.K. to laugh at yourself.

What man would you hold up as a positive role model? Any father that tries to make a positive difference in a son's life. If a father is truly trying, that's all you can ask for. Lately, it's become very obvious to me how much more fathers are and can be involved with sons. It's great to see. The results can only be positive. They are my heroes.

What books, film, web, organizations or other resources would you suggest that could help a boy move along on his journey to manhood? Don't know...maybe Boy Scouts. There's nothing like Scouts in the Jewish religion except maybe Hebrew school and from what little I remember about Hebrew school, it had nothing to do with manhood. What we need is something without the religious connection.

If we're going to point young men in the direction of strong, responsible, loving, and stable manhood, how should that be defined and taught? Honestly, I think a book like the one you're working on would be a good start. I wish my father had something like it. Fathers and men need a how-to guide (even though we don't follow directions very well). We need to think about what this journey really means for the boys and ourselves.

Before I started getting these questions, I never thought about manhood or what it means or how you get there or how to explain/define it. Maybe it's because I didn't have the direct male influence, it's not something that's natural for me to consider, but I would guess that the "how to be a man" process isn't something that most, if any, men consciously think about (we're not that self-aware!). Maybe if we did, some of the answers to the questions you're asking would become more clear before the fact instead of after.

STEPHEN - 49: What would be important for the boy to know? Even a person from another culture can intelligently use his experiences of life to solve present day problems if he is left free to do so and has confidence in himself. It is very difficult to learn from the experience of others. The assured response comes best from our own experience. It is easier to suggest a ready made solution from our own experience of life, but I have observed that young boys either ignore the proffered advice or apply it from the point of view of their own experience and get a negative result.

What would be important for the boy to experience? It would be important for the boy to experience applying his own experience to solving the problems that he encounters. The elder may need to be consulted about the decision made by the boy and the elder may need to make suggestions, but should not try to solve the problem for the boy.

I offer the above from my own experience. I have discovered many times in my life that my intuition informs me of better solutions for my problems than the solutions of so-called experts. I do not suggest that others cannot make any input into a solution because they can and should. However, input in the form of ideas and stories about how others have dealt with the problem are different from attempts to provide ready-made solutions.

Input comes from a nurturing position and ready-made solutions come from a rescuing or preaching position. Using a nature analogy, we know that a plant does not respond to being told how to grow but will respond well to being watered, fed and given access to the light. So it is with children and especially with adolescents.

DICK - 52: If this question were asked of you, what actions would you take? By the time the question is asked, it's probably too late to take new actions. Teaching a boy how to be a man should start before he's even aware that he's being taught. Love. Patience. Accessibility. Consistency. An ability to lead by example, reinforcing the example on a regular basis by explaining why you do what you do. A willingness to listen non-judgmentally, to focus on correcting performance without cowing the person being formed, to take the time to explain better ways to achieve better results -- even when it appears no explanation is wanted. To play the fool periodically, to lose gracefully yet tactically. In particular, to exhibit a durable love for his mother and siblings, not to mention the world around him. All that has to be in place before he's old enough to start his own transition to manhood.

What would be important for the boy to know? That he can count on himself. That he can count on his father. That time exists in more than the present moment -- that some things happen fast and some things happen slow, and speed isn't necessarily (or perhaps even usually) the measure of their worth. That life presents constant opportunities to start again, so no one action or decision or moment irrevocably sets the pattern of his life. That the greatest source of strength in his life will ultimately come from within him, so he needs to learn to have confidence in his inner strength and start building a foundation for his own independence by learning to use it. That his parents can admit a mistake and turn it into a teaching opportunity (without whining). That his parents can celebrate a success and similarly find teaching value in it (without bragging). That the view of the world he sees through media and peers isn't a complete or accurate or even desirable picture on which to live his life. That it's okay to show emotions. That, as a friend's hat used to say, "Animosity Is Atrocious." And that loving someone else more than we love ourselves has the potential to transform our lives -- again, things he should see modeled in the lives of the adults around him.

What would be important for the boy to experience? An ordinary life. That probably sounds weird, but let me explain based on the feedback I've had from my own sons (now ages 25 and 21). When my older son went off to college and lived in the dorms the first year, he came home periodically on weekends and often remarked on how much he was learning to appreciate his own childhood by learning that what he took for "ordinary" wasn't in the lives of so many of his peers. What he admitted he sometimes thought was a boring lifestyle in his younger years turned out by comparison to have a lot going for it. We didn't live in the biggest house, he didn't have designer-label clothes, there wasn't a lot of flash as he grew up -- but we lived in the same house, he went to the same schools, had a steady circle of friends and knew what his life was about. We ate meals as a family, and without the TV on -- that time when we caught up with each other's days was missing from the home-styles of a lot of the kids he met in college.

When our sons were in Scouts and soccer and even chess, their parents were, too -- we got involved in the things that were interesting and important to our kids, which helped the activities do more for them (and added to our own family life in the process). Just the simple reality that they had two parents, and the same ones, straight through, wasn't all that ordinary to a lot of their peers -- but both have come to appreciate that it was for them. Both my sons have remarked that they hated it when I proofread their homework, especially essays and major assignments, and made them correct and improve it -- but now, with bankable communications skills that have been basic to both their success in education and their initial entry into the job market, they're glad I did.

Consistency was one thing my wife and I often talked about as being desirable for our family. We wanted our sons to know they had a solid, stable, comfortable place to nest so they always had a welcoming place to come back to, no matter how crazy the world they experienced outside. This doesn't mean we sheltered them. To the contrary, everything was in play. They learned to make a lot of decisions for themselves early on. When we disagreed, we told them -- but we seldom overruled them (if it was just a matter of personal preferences without major consequences). When we liked their choices, we told them that, too.

And we involved them in our choices: what we experienced in our jobs, what things cost (and why we had this but didn't have that as a result), where we went on vacations, who we voted for, why we liked this show and thought that movie was kind of lame, what kind of weird branches -- as well as the strong ones -- were on our family trees, how we felt about booze and drugs and sex and all the other nitty-gritty aspects of life.

What values would be important to communicate to a young man today? Know yourself. Be true to that. Learn to like who you are and have some pride. But recognize that everyone else around you is on their own little island, and an important part of life is deciding which islands you want to build bridges to and which ones you're not interested in exploring (and conversely who you let onto your island and who you want to keep off). Hugely important in that process is a sense of compassion and a willingness to respect someone else's integrity, just as you want your own to be respected.

What man would you hold up as a positive role model? I think our sons have seen plenty of positive role models throughout their lives, most of whose names wouldn't mean much to others, and consequently they've learned that fame and visibility are distracting wrapping paper around what's really inside.

They have their own pop icons, too. When my older son was a preteen and teen, the posters on his wall were sports figures: Kirby Puckett, Isaiah Thomas, Michael Jordan. He got hooked on Stephen King and read everything of his he could get his hands on (still does). I have a couple thousand paperbacks in the house, and one of my favorite memories is the summer he asked me to pick out about a dozen for him to read. My younger son got into the music of Harry Chapin, read Dean Koontz just as avidly (as well as a lot of the Sci-Fi writers I like) and likes anime art and muscle cars. Their role models come from those activities as well as what they've seen at home.

We've never celebrated fame in our family. But dependability and being there for someone else have been strong themes. I think the role models my sons have found -- as much on their own as through anything we've done, at least consciously -- display those traits. (Stephen King and muscle cars obviously didn't come from me.)

What books, film, web, organizations or other resources would you suggest that could help a boy move along on his journey to manhood?

•  Books: Dune, the work of writers like Mercedes Lackey, C.J. Cherryh, Ambrose Bierce and Ernest Haycox.

•  Film: Anything and everything, especially when you can talk about it afterwards.

•  Web: Where they go I have no idea, though we'll swap an occasional link.

•  Organizations: Both were in Cub and Boy Scouts, especially for the camping and outdoor activities, and those were generally positive influences. (This was before the current anti-gay idiocy that I consider absolutely contrary to the essential truth of Scouting -- learn to live responsibly in the world, appreciating everything in it, including the people as well as the flora and fauna.)

Neither is religiously active at this point in their lives, but both went through a simple Sunday school regimen so they have a starting point for making their own decisions later in life.

I think the key is that everything counts, so the more influences they're exposed to, the better their ability to sample and judge and make informed decisions. And talking about decisions, after as well as before, helps them learn how to make better decisions.

If we're going to point young men in the direction of strong, responsible, loving, and stable manhood, how should that be defined and taught? I think it's modeled more than consciously taught. In fact, I think a lot of the so-called "teaching" of manhood rings false to young men because too often the teachers are paying lip service to values they don't really believe or live in their own lives. It's like getting a temperance lecture from a drunk who won't admit his drinking problem: Once you know the problem is there, the teaching value of what he says diminishes because he's clearly not willing or able to practice what he preaches (so how valuable could it be?). This is part of the dissonance they've experienced in settings like Scouts and religion -- what's said and what's done are too often very different, and the gap in what's being done diminishes the credibility of what's being said.

I think men have to become more conscious of the way we teach through the way we live. It's not what we say. It's what we do. Those are the models our sons will imitate, consciously or unconsciously, in their own adult lives.

GARY - 51: If this question were asked of you, what actions would you take? I think the question is not "How to make a man?" but "How do we let the man be made?" I think the answer is encouraging boys to be with men. Summer jobs, on the golf course, contact with uncles, sports with coaches. Get them together and let it happen. And then I think the boy needs an interpreter, a dad or uncle with whom the boy can talk things over and find out the answers on some of the bewildering behaviors men do.

I'm thinking of the Tao Te Ching, Lesson #24. There is a line that says, "He who defines himself can't know who he really is." I think that by having boys with men as much as possible--each defining each other in a haphazard, chaotic, but natural way--allows the defining to happen so that eventually the boys--and men--know who they are without forcing their own ideas on themselves.

STEVEN - 49: If this question were asked of you, what actions would you take? First and foremost, I am not sure if this is something you can strategize and then take action. It seems more like a way-of-living thing. By that I mean it takes the modeling and training of strong values: integrity, compassion, respectfulness, appreciation of others, honesty, cleaning up your messes, living a life with a balance between focusing inward (self) and outward (others). These foundational principles or values will allow a boy to navigate the path to manhood, making good, healthy decisions along the way. This decision-making is key, I think for anyone to figure out culture, good/evil, relationships, self-care, and a general pursuit of happiness in a world that seems to block our way.

I also think that the best way to help a boy navigate the path is to give him my time, to be available, to be standing in the shadows, ready to lend a hand, but only when asked. Part of that time is to provide him with a strong image of manhood--strong, not in the macho sense but in modeling compassion, integrity, honesty, respectfulness, and acceptance of others.

What would be important for the boy to experience? I think a narrow answer is not appropriate here. The boy needs to experience LIFE within a caring, supportive environment with high expectations.

RON - 48 - New Zealand: If this question were asked of you, what actions would you take? I would consider this a great compliment. I would also exercise caution; this is a meeting place of two worlds. His father is probably the only person who understands the boy intimately. I would work towards the sons need through the father's experiences.

What would be important for the boy to know? The stories, the songs, the family customs, knowing spirit world values, (boy) morality left behind, and the reasons for the new (initiated) life.

What values would be important to communicate to a young man today? That he is unique, special, needed by his community, a valuable holder and initiator for his own children.

What man would you hold up as a positive role model? Any man who cares and takes the time.

What books, film, web, organizations or other resources would you suggest that could help a boy move along on his journey to manhood? Yes, I am sure that there are many info systems available but I feel that a boy needs more than that. He needs a real person, taking the time, personally acknowledging the journey that the youth is on. Just one or two timely touches of this quality will over ride a barrage of negative experiences.

If we're going to point young men in the direction of strong, responsible, loving, and stable manhood, how should that be defined and taught? By strong, responsible, loving and stable men.

DAVID - ? - New Zealand: If this question were asked of you, what actions would you take? What would be important for the boy to know? It is important for anyone to know that no matter what, there is always someone there to love, guide, to listen and be concerned. A boy needs to know that he is loved by both word and deed and needs to know that he can ask anything of another man, be it his father or some other man that he looks up to.

What would be important for the boy to experience? It's important for the boy to experience an intimate relationship with another man. I must point out here that the word intimate does not necessarily mean sexual. Some people who know me might take it the wrong way, especially if they know that I am a gay man. Some people might even have heard me say, " A man in the normal course of events has a relationship with his father and then his son and if those are not available it is usually with another man with whom he goes fishing or to the footie and whether or not sex is involved is irrelevant!"

It is important for a boy to experience the intimacy of another human in the way that he feels loved nurtured and not exploited. That is why it is most difficult if not impossible to involve sex in this type of relationship. The sexual side of this relationship could and should be confined to the open talk and discussion of the subject. The boy could and should be involved in discussions about sex with his father or another mentor. After all we discuss in detail things like cooking, football and fishing etc.

What values would be important to communicate to a young man today? Values have been written down and verbalized for centuries. Do unto others as you would have done to you. It goes further: don't rip off anyone else and don't be afraid of being ripped off, just be aware and endeavor to avoid it. It goes further. It always does. It goes as far as sex. Boys could be taught that sex is not getting your rocks off except when masturbating. (And that's good too.) But making love is giving and giving pleasure to someone else and by doing so getting a real feeling of exhilaration. Sex is not for the taking but for the giving of pleasure.

What man would you hold up as a positive role model? Chief Justice Michael Kirby.

What books, film, web, organizations or other resources would you suggest that could help a boy move along on his journey to manhood? Captain Corelli's Mandolin

If we're going to point young men in the direction of strong, responsible, loving, and stable manhood, how should that be defined and taught? Do good, be a friend, put mistakes in the past and don't dwell on them and learn by both your mistakes and your achievements. It should be taught by parents and other qualified people. Seek out as much information as possible and from wherever you can find it.

Growing up a man is different to growing up a woman. A man's world is very different to a woman's because men and women act and react very differently in similar situations. I often used to say to my son, "Sometime we have to do hard things. Sometimes we have to stand up and say the truth even when we know the consequences might be worse than trying to lie".

One example was when my son was about 8. He is shy. Quiet. Would never hurt anyone. Our cousin was going away for a week or so holiday and asked my son to mind his bird. While they were away the bird died. My son was distraught even though it was not his fault. I gave him the big talk and escorted him round to his cousins and got him to say the bird had died. He was shaking and cried very real tears as he said the bird had died. His cousin said, "Don't worry it was old and was going to die soon anyway... don't worry about it"

A huge life lesson I believe. My son told the truth fearing the consequences would be huge. He did the hard thing himself. He was forgiven in person. I hope he learned a lot from that experience.

Since my wife was diagnosed with terminal cancer and died God, doesn't rate very highly with my kids and I fully support them. We raised our son and daughter to always treat people as equals regardless of how much money they have or how clever they are. To always assume people tell the truth. To look for the good in things. And to stand up for your friends and what you believe.

The metaphor I used many times was, "If you let people treat you like a door mat there will always be those who will wipe their feet on you". We used to use Jesus as a real example... not as a judge but someone who did what he believed even though others didn't think it was the "cool or Godly" thing to do. He deliberately mixed with all the social pariahs and so called hated people, to prove his point that the self-righteous were in fact not that at all. He spent ages telling everyone we were all equal.

These days my children are 18 and 15 and they have seen more than kids should of life and death and they find it hard to accept that God had any PLAN or reason or whatever for Mum dying. They doubt God now and it suits me fine. We wanted them to grow up asking questions and this is a big one I have no answer for.

JIM - 54: If this question were asked of you, what actions would you take? I'm not sure that I know what I would do immediately, but my goal would be to help the boy begin to understand that there is not a point in time when you become a man, but that there is a point in time when you have the capacities to begin the journey of becoming a man.

What would be important for the boy to know? How reflect on his experiences as well as those of others in order to learn from them.

What would be important for the boy to experience? Walking in his own shoes and walking in the shoes of others.

What values would be important to communicate to a young man today? Love. The truth shall set you free (usually after it makes you miserable). His word is his bond. Learning is life-long. Masculine is not man - feminine is not woman, but the combination makes a wonderfully unique person. Know thyself.

The Book | Presentations | The Blog | Resources | What Men Say