Questions for Men about Man-Making

This page contains all the questions that were asked of the many contributors to the Man-Making book.

To read the responses for each question submitted by contributors, simply click on the question.

1. IMPORTANT MALE MENTORS:
Who was an important male mentor for you (other than your father) as you were growing up? Write a few lines about how this man helped you along on your journey to manhood.

2. BEING BETWEEN BOYHOOD AND MANHOOD:
Do you remember shyness, confusion, and the discomforts of no longer being a boy, but not yet being a man? Will you share a few lines about something like the rapid growth in your body, your voice changing, your general restlessness, feeling clumsy, stealing for the excitement of it, emerging sexuality, embarrassing moments (first hard-on), pimples, being with girls, or testing parents' limits?

3. IMPORTANT LESSONS ABOUT MANHOOD:
What were some of your earliest lessons you were taught about how to be a man? Who taught you? Did the lessons come from your father, a relative, a friend, someone in the neighborhood, or someone else? A lesson about something men do... something men don't do?

4. LEARNING HOW TO BE A MAN:
Tell me about one of those moments when, on your own, you discovered or figured out one of the pieces to the puzzle called "How to Be a Man." It could have been from experimentation, reading, TV, movies, or just watching older boys and men. What was your discovery and how did you figure it out?

5. WHEN YOU BECAME A "MAN":
What was THE moment in your life when you knew, for sure, that you had become a "man"? Who was there? What was done? What event, action, or ceremony took place so that you knew a line had been crossed and you were now a "man" (or at least more man than boy)?

If you can't remember any defining moment, how do you feel about it now? How do you know if you are a "man" today?

6. YOUR BOYHOOD ADVENTURES:
Tell me a story about one of the ways that, as an adolescent boy, you explored your hunger for adventure, challenge, and testing your male powers. Did you build something, climb something, or push legal or parental limits in some way? Did it happen in sports or with other boys in a pack? Was it competitive about being more powerful or competent than other boys? Did you prey on or play tricks on someone? Did it get you in trouble? How does the story make you feel now?

7. YOUR BOYHOOD HEROES:
As an adolescent boy, who was one of your male film, music, sports, or television heroes and what did he teach you about manhood?

8. LEARNING ABOUT WOMEN:
How did you learn (directly or indirectly) about how to have relationships with the women in your life? Who taught you how to treat women... how to love, argue, romance, do money with, take care of, commit to or "love em and leave em?"

• Did you learn by watching your mom and dad, other relatives, TV, movies, or the neighbors?
• Did you get any direct lessons... "a man always..." from anyone? Did the older boys tell or show you what to do?
• Name an important lesson, the teacher and the value of the lesson, for better or worse, as you've progressed toward manhood.

9. TEACHING A BOY TO BE A MAN:
A motivation for the creation of this book was when Ojulu, my Sudanese refugee friend and a father, asked me to help him "teach my son how to be a man in your country." My reaction was that I immediately felt lost, confused, and seriously challenged.

Go with your gut and give me a little input on any of the questions below… all of our responses, taken together, will form a path out of the wilderness we can all follow…

• If this question were asked of you, what actions would you take?
• What would be important for the boy to know?
• What would be important for the boy to experience?
• What values would be important to communicate to a young man today?
• What man would you hold up as a positive role model?
• What books, films, websites, organizations or other resources would you suggest that could help a boy move along on his journey to manhood?
• If we're going to point young men in the direction of strong, responsible, loving, and stable manhood, how should that be defined and taught?

10. WHY MEN DON'T MENTOR BOYS:
The Man-Making book is, at its heart, a call to men to get more involved, in some way, in the lives of the boys around them. To give the boys exposure to the many gifts that can result from positive interaction with an older, non-parental male.

For this question, I ask you to look deep in your heart. Ask yourself, "Are you actively involved, in some way, large or small, in the life of a boy?"

If you are, the boy and I thank you. I'll ask more about how you're involved in the next question.

If you are not involved, help me to understand why not. I don't mean to shame or embarrass anyone; we just need to understand the reasons, barriers, fears, issues, concerns, constraints, rationalizations… that get in the way, if we're going to improve the situation.

Please, if this pertains to you… give it a try… If you are NOT actively involved in the life of a boy, help me to understand why not. What's in the way?

11. WHY MEN DO MENTOR BOYS:
In question, #10, I asked you about what gets in the way of older men choosing to help boys on their journey to manhood. In this question, I'd like to hear from men who, in some small or large way, have heard the call to action and are engaging/influencing a boy (other than their own) in some way. This question is not about "fathering," but Uncling, Eldering, mentoring, or otherwise being a man-maker for the boys in your neighborhood or community.

• It could be just casual interaction of short duration, like when you meet your neighbor's son on his way to school, saying something to the young guy selling tickets at the movie theater, or encountering boys you don't even know in the shopping mall.
• It might be that you have had extended time spent with a boy or boys in some way, like building a computer, a camping or fishing trip, as a coach or any activity that is more than a brief encounter.
• A third possible connection might be via formal mentoring programs such as scouting, Big Brother, or other programs designed to put boys in contact with adult men.
• Finally, I know that some of you are getting together with other men for the purpose of actually initiating boys into manhood.

Whatever your level of involvement with a boy, please send along a few lines to tell me about it and describe the impact of that experience on you and your life.

12. GOING CAMPING OR TO CAMP:
Did you ever go to camp? If ever there was an experience in which men can have an impact on boys, going to camp is it. Being packed off to the woods for a week or more, living in strange circumstances, and being left to the mercy of a bunch of older males is certainly transforming for many a boy.

I'm looking for stories from both the perspective of being a camper and that of camp counselor. What all camp stories have in common is that there are usually older men influencing the boys.

I'd also like to hear a story about going hunting or fishing. Maybe something like a couple of boys and some men heading off to shoot a bird or deer, or being stuck in a fishing boat and having to figure out how to pee.

I very dimly remember one story where, after shooting his first deer, the grandfather cuts the deer open, put his hands inside the deer and then smears the deer's blood on the boy's face in a rite-of-passage statement of both the boys accomplishment and the bond between the boy and the deer… memorable. I don't have any experiences like that...and that's another story.

13. A MOM'S ROLE IN A BOY'S INITIATION TO MANHOOD:
In the message just below, a mother of two young boys asked me about her role in her boys' initiation to manhood. I have a lot of ideas on the subject, but after you read her questions and comments below, I’d like to hear about your feelings, opinions, and any related stories you might want to share on the topic.

The question to you is what would you say to moms who want to help their boys on the Journey to Manhood?

As mother of two boys, I want to find out what my role should be in my sons’ initiation to manhood. Today mothers are involved more than ever with their boys' lives, and to ask them to step aside could backfire.

In any case, I agree that initiation is a man's job and mothers should encourage their boys to leave the secure and protective world of women, but I am sure there are contributions we can make. Any ideas, books, or essays in this regard would be a great help. Thank you.

14. RITES OF PASSAGE FOR BOYS:
Ritual, ceremony, and people gathering around a boy to mark his natural life transitions can be enormously helpful. These events help a boy know he's on the right track, making progress and is approved of by his family and/or his community. The absence of these events contributes to a boy feeling lost, alone, and unsure about his direction in life.

The question is what did you experience? What Rite-of-Passage experiences, formal or informal, positive or negative, do you remember on your journey to manhood?

Create a Rite-of-Passage Ceremony: You can click here to download a PDF article about how I helped create a Rite-of-Passage ceremony for a young man going off to college. By modifying my approach, you might create a similar experience for a boy or young man in your life.

15. YOUR BOYHOOD MALE "TRIBE":
It’s been said that boys need a “tribe.” They need to have men around them as mentors and to be watched by the boys for cues on “what men do,” and how to become manly. When there are men around, boys instinctively learn their place in the male hierarchy and how to be a "man."

The question is when you were an adolescent on the edge of manhood, who were the men your male “tribe”?

16. BLESSING A YOUNG MALE:
At the "easy" end of the continuum of Man-Making actions I describe in the book is the notion of "blessing" a young male. Blessing happens when a man catches a young guy doing something especially well or identifies one of his positive attributes, skills, or tendencies. The man then names what he sees and adds a valuing statement. In the process the boy is not only acknowledged but is further elevated by being held in positive esteem in the eyes of an older man.

I call this step Blessing because there is something a little spiritual about telling someone what is unique and wonderful about them. Blessing a young male is a very powerful statement about him, your connection to him, and his place in the order of things. A blessing is an intimate and positive statement about a young man’s value, potential, person, or power . . . and it’s designed to touch the receiver at his core.

The question is, can you remember this kind of experience with an older male (other than your father) who blessed you when you were growing up? Who saw the best in you and told you? Who verbally appreciated your talents and gifts? If you can remember, tell me a little about what happened, what was said, and the impact on you.

17. UNDERSTANDING A BOY'S BRAIN:
Because of very different hardwiring in male and female adolescent brains, we're learning that putting boys and girls in the same classes, and then asking boys to learn in ways that are better suited to a girl brain (emphasis on language, sitting quietly, speaking in turn), is a setup for boys to fail. In the article Michael Thompson, co-author of the book Raising Cain, says, ". . . in schools today boys are being treated like defective girls.”

The question I have for you is about the time you were in classes with “girls.” Can you remember what it was like to be an adolescent male in a class with girls who were seemingly smarter and more verbal? Did you have an experience of being embarrassed, ashamed, or being put in a “one down” place? Will you tell me a short story about what that was like for you?

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